Clandestine Revelations
by Sparkle Itamashii
Summary: Dear god Yamato was gorgeous like that soaking wet, clean white towel slung low on his hips, vivid blue eyes wide from being startled. I guess he hadn't heard me enter. CH20 POSTED. [ShounenAi:Slash:Boylove] Taito.
1. Chapter One

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its world, characters, and plot are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter One**

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Normally I wouldn't have stayed standing there as long as I did. When there are people in the house or when I know someone is on their way over, I rush. I hop in, scrub down, wash my hair (twice and carefully) and then I'm out again. It takes me ten minutes to achieve satisfactory cleanliness. When the house was occupied I never took time to relish things as simple as a shower.

But it wasn't.

So I did.

I stood beneath the scalding spray without moving, letting my mind wander over the day. TK had stopped by long enough to tell me he wasn't going to be able to stop by and hang out like we'd planned. I'd rung dad's cell phone and talked for a little bit- he'd already called last night to say he was going to be gone for the weekend. That was fine. It's not like I wasn't used to being on my own anyhow. Maybe I could have TK or Taichi over tomorrow night to keep me company.

I wasn't sure about Tai, though… He'd come over this morning like he did every Friday to wheedle me for breakfast. Usually he snuck in and crept up to the edge of the bed as silent as a cat. Mind you, I sleep like a rock so he could have come in like a herd of elephants and I wouldn't have noticed. After he reached my bedside he would always do the most infuriating thing- press his icy, freezing cold hands flat against the small of my back. Of course I'd wake up flailing, cursing animatedly at Taichi who would just laugh and laugh while dodging thrown pillows. When I ran out of ammo he would give me a pathetic look and innocently ask if I would please make breakfast now.

Not today, though.

No, today I'd woken of my own accord, curiously wondering why Taichi hadn't appeared yet. For a split second I'd worried that he'd gotten ill and wasn't going to school. Rolling into a sitting position, I turned to face the door… and there he was, leaning gently against the doorframe with an amused, quiet smile.

I'd given him a groggy, confused look as I slipped out of bed but he hadn't offered an explanation.

All in all it had been a very long, strange day that definitely deserved a long, hot shower and a brand new bottle of-

"Son of a…" I cursed quietly, twisting to look at the empty niche in the wall where I normally placed my shampoo. I'd just picked up a new bottle that afternoon, after TK had whisked by, but I'd unfortunately left it in my room.

Reaching up, I pressed down on the showerhead so it only sprayed half the tub and shook myself. I didn't plan on being more than a few seconds so I wasn't going to bother turning off the water. No one was home to bitch at me for doing so either, so I felt justified. Sort of.

I snatched my towel off the bathroom counter out of habit and slung it hastily around my hips. Of course my room was a disaster area- I'd been trying to work on my music earlier and disarray tended to leak all over when I did that. Scanning the room, I spotted a pile in which I thought I remembered burying the bag with the shampoo. I darted over, rummaging through the small heap- cords, school blazer, sock, blank sheets of music, notebook-

Shampoo! Success!

Clutching the item in one hand and tacking my towel to my hip with the other, I turned to head back to the shower. I didn't make it very far.

Standing in my doorway, out of breath and looking a little miffed… was Taichi.

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/**End Chapter One, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	2. Chapter Two

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plat are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter Two**

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Trying to catch my breath, I openly stared at Yamato as he stood there like a deer caught in headlights. Dear _god_ he was gorgeous like that- soaking wet, clean white towel slung low on his hips, vivid blue eyes wide from being startled. I guess he hadn't heard me enter.

I could feel my brow wrinkling as I rested one hand against the doorframe and tilted my head to the side. When I'd come in I heard the shower running so I'd assumed I could get in and out without being seen. I'd even waited a minute to make sure that if he'd just started the water he would be able to get in without running into me. When I'd heard the door open and close I'd thought I would be safe but…

"Why is the shower running if you're in here…?" I panted, utterly confused.

He held up a brand new bottle of some kind of fruity shampoo as if to say "uh, duh," and fixed me with an incredulous look. "What the hell are you doing in my house? I thought you were going to Izzy's to study for that web design test…"

"I…" I stared at him for a minute, trying to remember exactly why I'd come over because really the reason had escaped me the second he started talking. "Uh…" Shaking my head, I blinked, "Book. I left my math book here."

He gave me an even more confused look, hiking the towel a little higher on his hips, which momentarily restored my mental capabilities. "It's the weekend, Taichi. You _never_ do math homework Friday night. Or even Saturday." He raised an eyebrow, "You don't even do it Sunday, most of the time. What's with you today? You've been acting really strange."

Sometimes he was just too observant for his own good.

As I watched, he walked across the room and set the bottle of shampoo on the desk, long fingers wrapping around the edge of my math book. He closed the distance between us and silently dropped it unceremoniously into my hands. Seriously, I almost dropped it because I wasn't paying any attention to what _I_ was doing. Somewhere between him giving me a funny look and when he retrieved the bottle, I found my voice.

"Kari and I had a really long talk last night. I guess I'm still thinking about it."

That was an understatement if I ever heard one.

"Is everything okay?" I can't blame him for sounding a little surprised. He knew as well as I did that I was hard to phase.

"Yeah, it should be." I offered him a grin as he moved past me, though I fear it was lost on him. After a second's pause I followed after him, clutching my math book to my chest. "You know her and TK."

He snorted, glancing over his shoulder without really seeing me as he continued down the hall. "If they would just admit they like each other it'd save them a ton of trouble. They'd be a lot happier."

My steps faltered as I heard Hikari's words to me practically echoed in Yamato's voice. Okay, so I'd maybe lead him in the wrong direction. Yes, Hikari and I had spoken and yes, we'd spoken about her and TK but… Well, that's not exactly what she'd originally confronted me about. At all.

"Yeah… People who like each other need to just… admit it." I said quietly, trailing to a stop a few feet behind him as he entered the bathroom.

He visibly bristled (he was the only human I've ever seen bristle but that was really the only way to describe the reaction), and turned to face me with a guarded expression. I gave him my best impression of dull innocence as he searched me over and then he shrugged nonchalantly. I relaxed as he leaned against the doorframe and seemed to dismiss whatever he'd been thinking.

"You doin' anything tomorrow night?" He asked crossing his arms and giving me a "you'd better not be" look.

"No. Why? Have you got plans?" I asked carefully.

"Dad's not going to be home this weekend." I hated hearing the note of regret in his voice- it always stung even though I knew I wasn't the cause. "I thought it'd be nice to have someone here."

"Yeah. Sure." I agreed, nodding and running a hand through my messy hair. "That would actually be really great. Kari's having her friends over and I hate being there with all of them squealing." I grinned, comically raising an eyebrow. "You cooking?"

"Why not." He smiled, at last, and waved me off with one hand. "Go on, then, I've got to finish showering. Say hi to Iz for me." He shut the door and I heard the shower curtain being whipped open and closed.

I stared at the wood grain for a moment and then closed my eyes and shook my head. This was stupid. Why on earth had I ever listened to her in the first place? She doesn't have a love life of her own; what made me think she understood anything about mine? Hikari didn't know what she was talking about.

Matt and I were just friends.

…Right?

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/End Chapter Two, Clandestine Revelations/

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	3. Chapter Three

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

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****

**Chapter Three**

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Five hundred and thirty six.

Five hundred and thirty seven.

Five hundred and thirty eight…

I blinked, wiping at the tears forming in my eyes from having them open for too long. I'd been counting the revolutions of the fan as it lazily turned around and around and-

Where the hell was Taichi?

He was supposed to be here over an hour ago. I'd made dinner and sat around in the kitchen staring at it for a while, expecting that maybe he'd been a few minutes late. Maybe he'd gotten caught in traffic so he'd be ten minutes late. Maybe his mother had something for him to do so he'd be a half hour late…

Eventually I'd eaten a bowl of the stir fry and stored the rest. If Taichi wanted to be so late he could bloody well eat leftovers. He didn't even have the decency to call. Of course, he could be dead in a ditch on the side of the road, too. I wasn't going to get angry about anything yet, but so help him god if he'd just been messing around all this time.

Which, knowing him, he probably had been.

I all but fell off the couch when I heard his familiar knock on the door. I clambered to my feet and ran fingers through my hair because it'd gotten mussed laying on the couch. He opened the door when I failed to appear after three seconds and poke his bushy-haired head in the door. I could have strangled that cheeky smile until he winked and moved all the way into my home. My eyes fell on the box in his hands and I gave him a flat smile.

"You're so dumb, Taichi." I said, shaking my head and holding out my hand. "Is this why you're late?"

He dropped the package of sweets into my hand and grinned. "Wouldn't that have made sense?" He replied ambiguously.

Rolling my eyes, I headed for the kitchen. He trailed behind me by only a few feet, quieter than usual. "I made dinner but you were so late I stashed it. Where were you?"

Giving me a half-hearted shrug, he plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs and nabbed the empty plate still lying on the table. I opened the fridge and grabbed the containers of food, sliding them across to him. He immediately dug in- amazingly enough Taichi was like a human garbage disposal. He would eat anything you put in front of him often times regardless of taste or warmth. Or at least… anything _I_ put in front of him.

"Hikari's friends got there earlier than she expected and she pulled me aside to say she wanted to talk to me before I left. It took a bit before the flock settled down to watch a movie and she got away to chat. I'm sorry it took so long."

I gave him a funny look. Hikari sure was being a lot more talkative than she normally was. Taichi had always said he had a hard time talking to her so whatever it was that was bothering his little sister must have been big. Was she maybe seriously considering telling my little brother how she felt? Had _Takeru_ said something to _her_? I would have to give him a call tomorrow and grill him for information.

"It's fine." My eyes flew to the clock in the corner. "It's almost nine, though. Did you still want to go rent a movie or something?"

"You've got stuff here." He said, though it came out almost unintelligible around the mouthful of snow pea.

I sighed, taking a seat opposite him and putting my elbows on the table to watch him eat. "We've seen all my movies a million times, Tai."

He swallowed, licking his lips. I shifted, trying to maintain eye contact. "So?" He did it again and I gave up all hope of keeping my eyes on his. "That just means we can talk and not have to pay attention to the screen."

"I guess so." I agreed, closing my eyes to maintain my concentration. I wish I knew why I felt so compelled to watch him like a hawk any time he was around me. "Maybe you can tell me what Hikari's been saying."

"Yeah…" He said distractedly as he dove into the food again with his chop-sticks. "Maybe."

Something was definitely eating Taichi and he was avoiding it like the plague. He was so weird sometimes. He could lead a whole group of people through a dangerous alien world as just a kid without showing a bit of uncertainty. Every day he played soccer like it was going out of style and he was _good_ at it; he had fans, even. In public I could hardly ever see him when he wasn't surrounded by people and smiling. But here, he was different. Here he was alone. He was worried. He was bothered by things that never touched his "real" world.

I just wish he'd tell me what those things were, instead of always changing the subject. He was very good at avoidance tactics and I just didn't have the strength anymore to try and corner him about it. So I let it slide like I generally did and continued watching him eat until he was done.

After putting his dish in the sink to wash later, we moseyed into the TV room where I'd been sitting earlier. He flopped down on the couch and stretched out along its length in a very cat-like manner. Flicking off the fan first, I turned on the lights and plopped down by the rack of tapes and DVDs. We didn't have a particularly large collection and there wasn't anything I hadn't seen a million times over so it didn't matter to me what we watched.

"Any preference?" I asked, running my fingers over the titles as I read them silently.

"You pick." Tai said with a sleepy noise. I twisted to look at him and he gave me a lazy smile. Yeah, he was pressing buttons. He knew damn well I hated picking.

Not even bothering to look at what I grabbed, I stuck it in the DVD player and switched off the lights. I glanced between the empty armchair and the couch, wondering if it was worth the effort to try and oust Tai from where he lay so I could actually see the screen. As if he'd read my mind, he opened his eyes and smiled, sitting.

"So, what'd you choose?" He watched me curiously as I clicked play and settled on the couch against the armrest.

"Shut up and you'll find out, right?" I replied as he sat back, leaning his back against my arm as he stretched out a little bit again. I could feel his head move as he silently repeated my words with a mocking look. "I see that, you know."

"I know." He said impishly as I extracted my arm from beneath him and lay it along the back of the couch so it wouldn't fall asleep. With a contented noise he resettled, now partially pressed against my side. "But don't you see? It annoys you so I have to do it."

I punched his arm and tried not to laugh as I relaxed into the couch and let Taichi melt a little closer. He was always warm, like a big kitten. "You're so weird, Tai." I mumbled as the movie started. "Have you ever thought of, you know, _not_ being annoying?"

With a sigh he looked down to his hands, folded in his lap, and my attention immediately fell away from the screen. I waited for a few seconds for a witty reply, some smarted-aleck remark… but it never came. Confused, I nudged him gently.

"Tai…? C'mon, you've been acting really strange since yesterday. What's wrong?" No response. "Will you please stop acting like an idiot and tell me? You're driving me nuts!"

He made a resigned noise and spoke without moving or looking at me. "Fine, but you're not going to like it."

Oh, great…

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/**End Chapter Three, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	4. Chapter Four

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. See profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter Four**

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Of course as soon as I told him I would tell him what was going on I found myself unable to speak. It was like everything I wanted to say got stuck somewhere between my brain and my tongue. All the things Kari'd been talking to me about, all the stuff that had been running on repeat through my head, anything that would have made any of it make sense had just abandoned me.

So I didn't say anything. I just stared mutely at my hands, wondering how long it would take him to get angry with me for not speaking.

"Tai…" He said softly after a moment, "Come on."

I sighed, picking nervously at my hand. I fought with Matt a lot. We'd beaten the crap out of each other numerous times, called each other horrible things, and pulled a million pranks on one another. Each of us had ostracized the other on more than one occasion, we bickered constantly about nothing, and we couldn't go five minutes without trading insults of some sort, usually petty.

Despite all of that, though, Matt was my best friend. No matter what we said or did it was the things we _didn't_ say, the things we _didn't_ do that meant the most. It was the fact that I didn't have to tell him what I was thinking because he already knew, and vice versa. It was the way that no matter what we'd come up against he didn't give up; he didn't back down from me. Even when it seemed like the entire rest of the world was going to fall apart he didn't leave.

He didn't stop being my friend.

Which is exactly what I was afraid of- that if I told him what I wanted to tell him, he'd stop being my friend. Truthfully I think I was scared of swaying either way- for better or worse. Either was a change I was definitely not prepared to handle.

I didn't have much of a choice, though. He'd know if I lied now.

"You know how I said Hikari sought me out to speak with me on Thursday…?" I asked, knowing I was delaying answering his question but I didn't care.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"She didn't want to talk to me about Takeru." I locked my gaze on my hands when I felt him stiffen just slightly.

"What did she want, then?" Suspicion was thick in his voice… god, had he already guessed what I was going to say?

"She wanted to talk to me… about you." I whispered, not even sure he heard me because I could hardly hear myself.

Slim fingers wrapped around my chin and I found myself looking upside down at Yamato as he gave me a funny look. "Please tell me Hikari still likes Takeru."

I laughed, pressing my nose into the palm of his hand as I reached up to pull his fingers away from my jaw. "She couldn't be more in love with him."

"Then why on earth would she want to talk to you about me?" He asked, confused. It was obvious he wasn't very concerned because his gaze flickered between maintaining eye contact and watching the movie.

"Well…" I closed my eyes, loosening my grip on his hand just in case. "She got this idea into her head that I like you."

He froze completely- I couldn't even hear him breathing. I closed my eyes tightly, wishing life came with a rewind button. Why did he have to go asking questions all the time? Why did I feel so compelled to _answer_ him? I couldn't lie to him; I couldn't even lie through excluding information.

"She thinks that, huh?" His voice was strained. "Is she right? Do you?"

I made a malcontent noise of disgust with myself and opened my eyes a little bit. He hadn't moved his hand yet. "No." I said, though I knew I was lying. "Yes." That was wrong too. "I don't know. I…" I shook my head. "I dunno."

"Either you do or you don't, Taichi." He said seriously. "Which is it?"

"I don't know!" I snapped defensively. "I- She said a lot of things and it's been a little hard to sort it out, all right?" I felt him bristling again and immediately regretted getting irritated. "I'm sorry, Yama-"

"What did she say?"

I flinched at the accusing tone and tried to recall what Hikari had said that had made this situation sound like a remotely good place to be. "Sh-She said that she's seen the way we fool around all the time, and how when we fight we don't get hurt anymore. She said that… we're really close and always touching and…" I shifted uncomfortably, reminding myself of how we were currently sitting. "Stuff like that, I guess. Stuff she always feels nervous doing around Takeru but thinks we do easily."

Somehow it seemed a little less valid now that I'd said it aloud to Yamato. He still hadn't moved. I could practically feel the explosion lingering just below the surface, waiting to be set off by any little thing. When Hikari had pointed out those things, in the context that she had… I admit; I was a little shell-shocked. I'd taken time the following morning to watch Yamato, trying to decide if what she'd said held any grain of truth.

It had turned out to be far to close to the truth for comfort.

"I never thought about it." He said quietly, his tone betraying how deeply he was considering what I had said. "Did she say anything else?"

I closed my eyes again, not wanting to tell him the rest but not seeing that he'd accept a lie for an answer. "Yeah." I mumbled.

"What did she say, Taichi…"

"She said she thinks you like me too." I breathed, knowing that would be the turning point in this conversation.

Silence fell and neither of us moved. There were a million things running through my head so fast that it felt blank, empty. I could practically hear the gears turning in Yamato's brain but I couldn't tell if it was for good or bad. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and, fixing my sights on my thumbs, I spoke.

"Do you…?" My voice cracked over the simple question.

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/**End Chapter Four, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	5. Chapter Five

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter Five**

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Everything Tai had said left me reeling. How was I supposed to handle this sort of situation? I'd just been confronted by the very things over which I had once upon a time tortured myself thinking about. Tai was the sort of person who liked to touch other people. He liked to sling his arm around people's shoulders and hang on them, he liked hugging people, he liked being close. Yes, I'd noticed that he did it more to me than to anyone else. But oh the days and nights I'd spent convincing myself that he was just being his normal, friendly self.

That no matter what I wanted he didn't mean anything _more_.

Yet he was asking if I liked him _now_.

I didn't know anymore.

It wasn't that I _didn't_ like him. He wasn't like anyone else I knew. He wasn't some crazed fan or a complete stranger, he wasn't an acquaintance or even a regular friend; Tai was my _best_ friend. He was the one person in the entire world that knew everything about me and didn't shy away from friendship. I'd beaten him, yelled at him, given him the silent treatment… everything I could think of and he still came back for more, insisting we could be friends.

God, how I'd hated him.

Slowly though… a grudging respect had taken root and ate away at my hatred. I had watched him turn a gaggle of frightened, disoriented kids into a coordinated fighting team up to saving the world- sometimes two worlds. I'd watched what I thought was a bratty, control-freak type kid turn into this gorgeous, self-assured guy I couldn't keep my eyes or thoughts off of. Someone who, even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't leave behind or abandon.

But did I _like_ him? Like that? Now?

"I- I don't know." I replied hazily, unable to stop myself from repeating his earlier conclusion.

He brushed a roughened thumb over mine and I realized he still had a feather-light grip on my hand. "It's not so easy to tell, is it…"

He sounded so hurt… I curled my fingers in his and closed my eyes, hoping the gesture would be reassuring enough that I could afford a few more minutes of thought. I could feel the rigid way he held himself, as if he'd become cautious again. There was no way I could let him withdraw from talking now; not when there was so much at stake.

"What are you thinking…?" I asked quietly, at a loss for words. "You've had two days-"

"Two days doesn't make it any clearer." He returned harshly before I could even finish speaking.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Taichi." I snapped defensively. "I can't give you a valid answer and I won't lie to you. What do you _want_?"

He made a frustrated noise and sat up as he shifted away, although he did turn to face me again. Bewildered and thinking perhaps I had overstepped some unspoken boundary I released his hand; only to have him snatch it back and not let go. I felt like the world was moving in slow motion as I studied our hands for a second and then turned my gaze to meet his. Even in such dim light I could see his dark brown eyes flickering uncertainly over my features, as if he wanted to voice something he couldn't find the words to say.

"Matt, I…" He trailed off, eyes settling on mine at last. "When Kari said all those things I thought she was insane. I thought 'she's really gone off her rocker this time…' but…" He dropped eye contact and scrunched his nose as if he couldn't believe he was still talking. "I don't think she's as crazy as all that after all, you know?"

I could feel my eyes widening and licked my lips nervously. "What are you saying…?"

Untangling a hand, he ran it through his hair and refused to look at me for a second. "I don't… God." He shook his head and looked up at me without moving his head- it was such a nervous gesture I felt my own stomach flutter in response. "I don't know if Hikari is right or not and I don't want to ruin a friendship over it but I _do_ want to find out; I want to know."

"How do you expect to do that…?" I asked cautiously, recognizing the undercurrent of determination in his voice.

"How do you think?" He watched me like a hawk as he moved, visibly ready to shy away at the first sign of rejection.

Somehow it never crossed my mind to stop him. Not that I think I would have if it _had_ occurred to me- I felt like I was bound in a trance as he leaned closer. I froze, watching as he reached up with his free hand and thread warm, shaking fingers into my hair. Very gently he pulled me forward until we were nose to nose. His breath feathered lightly across my lips and I shivered. Although his eyes flickered uncertainly as he caught my gaze, he didn't release me.

"I'm going to kiss you, Yama." He said softly.

I wasn't sure if he was informing me or warning me- I wasn't even sure he'd if he'd actually said it aloud or if I'd just imagined it. I think I made a noise of agreement but I can't be sure because the next thing I knew my eyes were closed and I was kissing my best friend.

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/**End Chapter Five, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	6. Chapter Six

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter Six**

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When he didn't immediately pull away or deck me I drew him a little closer, curling my fingers into his silky hair. His lips were soft against mine, softer than I'd thought they would be, and his hand clenched a little tighter into mine. It was a bit strange at first, but definitely not in a bad way. After only a slight hesitation he returned the pressure, letting his head tilt to one side. Tension was practically tangible between us; I could feel it in the way he held himself, like he hadn't quite decided what he was really going to do.

I don't know what I expected but I'm pretty certain it wasn't anything like what I got. There were no fireworks going off, no instantaneous realizations or new conclusions I could draw. When I kissed Matt I thought for sure I would be able to easily tell if I liked him and more importantly if he liked me. But it wasn't like any of that. If anything I only became more confused at Matt's conflicting actions- responsive but tense, soft but rigid, yes… but no. So which was it? How did he feel? How did _I_ feel?

I pulled away first, not removing my hand from his hair but breathing a little faster from the adrenaline now coursing through my veins. His eyes fluttered open a second after mine and he gave me the most bewildered stare I've ever seen.

Whatever I'd thought I would say after kissing him stuck in my throat the second I caught sight of those eyes.

Very gently he disentangled his hand from mine and reached up to rest his palm on my raised forearm. I let his fingers trail from my elbow to my wrist and down along the back of my hand and fingers as I withdrew. All the while he refused to look away from me, holding me in a trance. He hadn't jumped away or started yelling or hit me- that's generally fair enough grounds for guessing he didn't totally object to what had just happened. He just sat there, staring a little confusedly at me. Expressions I'd never seen him wear flickered over his features but eventually he smiled weakly, nodding in agreement to whatever he was thinking.

Relief flooded through me at the gesture. I smiled wanly, not wanting to break his concentration on whatever he was thinking. Still not sure what to say next I only watched him silently, waiting for some sort of more decisive reaction.

"I think maybe it would be best," He said shakily, startling me as he broke the silence, "if you went home for the night, Taichi…"

"Yama…" Sudden fear clenched tightly in my gut. I'd thought for sure… I mean, he hadn't objected or anything and I took that to mean he was okay with it but what if I'd been wrong? I swallowed thickly, hoping that whatever I'd done I could still salvage the situation. "Are-"

"No." He finally dropped eye contact and took a shuddering breath. "No, I'm not okay. You need to leave."

"What?! You're crazy if you think I'm going to leave things like this, Yamato." I saw him twitch a minute amount when I used his full name. We both knew I almost never did that any more. I reached forward to touch his hand, but he snatched it away and gave me a sharp look. My chest constricted and I had to force myself to take a deep breath before I could continue. The last thing I needed right now was to screw this up. "I think we have some things to sort out and I don't think me leaving is going to do either of us any good."

"Well I think it would." He replied hotly, not letting me get any closer. "I'm not sure what just happened, Tai, but I… I don't think it was supposed to. I think we're both confused right now and I think you should go."

"Gee, do you think anything else I should know about?" I'd said the words before I could stop myself- it was just such a deeply ingrained habit to provoke him that I did it automatically. I felt like turning and running but I had to hold my ground. "I'm not leaving."

He gave me a nasty glare for a second before rocking swiftly to his feet. I panicked. I didn't know what I was going to do but I knew I couldn't let him walk away now. My hand shot out almost of its own volition and latched onto his wrist. I pulled back sharply enough to land him sitting right back next to me. He wrenched his arm away from me with an indignant noise, shoving me harshly backwards.

"Get out of my house." He snapped, clambering awkwardly back to his feet. "I don't want to deal with this right now."

I leapt up to follow him, reactionary anger sparking. "You don't want to deal with this or you don't want to deal with me?"

He whirled around to face me, glaring so fiercely I almost took a step backward. "I don't want to deal with either!" He snarled. "So just go home!"

"Is that how you deal with everything, Yamato?" I bit viciously, "By running away like a coward because you don't think you can handle it?"

I don't really recall him taking a swing at me- all I remember was landing flat on my back with a wildly painful sensation blossoming around my left eye. I covered it with one hand as I sat, pressing gingerly and glaring furiously at him. I pulled one leg up, still leaning back on my free arm. Oddly I felt a lot calmer than I had a second ago. This was more like it. Fighting I knew how to handle, knew what to do. Fighting with Matt was familiar.

"Don't let me _ever_ hear you say anything like that again, Taichi." As I looked at him I realized how much he had calmed down as well. Apparently I wasn't the only one the release of tension had affected. "Get out."

"Fine." I spat, clambering gingerly to my feet once more. "But my leaving isn't going to solve anything and you know it."

He followed me irately to the front door, maintaining a 'safe' distance- though whether he was wary of me or himself I couldn't tell. "It'll solve you being here." He said when I opened the door.

I closed my eyes and paused with the door wide open- he could be so completely insufferable sometimes. "Whatever. When you're done being scared, let me know."

Behind me I knew he was bristling, just like he always did when I'd said something he wanted to react to but knew doing so would only prove my point. I slipped out and the door slammed angrily at my heels. Not able to move any farther, I dropped to the ground and curled where I sat as all the energy and adrenaline left in a rush. I couldn't stop myself from trembling almost violently as I leaned back against the closed door.

Somehow I didn't think that could have possibly gone worse…

* * *

/**End Chapter Six, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	7. Chapter Seven

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

I'd barely shut the door when my legs gave out and I sank shakily to my knees, trying to breathe. The adrenaline rush was definitely wearing off and I couldn't find the strength to move from where I was so I just rolled gently to lean back against the door. I curled up, burying my face in my arms and trying to straighten out my thoughts.

What had just happened?

I'd just kissed Tai…

Well, he'd just kissed me.

What does it matter; I kissed him back! I wrapped my arms tighter around my knees, scrunching my eyes shut against the memory. At the first touch of his lips I thought for sure I would push him away or make some sort of protest but I didn't have the strength of will. He had given me the same feeling I'd been left with after we'd finally made it back from the digital world. It just felt so… comfortable. So safe.

It felt like coming home.

That's what frightened me most.

There are always two sides to every coin… Coming home from the digital world meant that we had to leave behind everything there. If I'd reacted to Taichi, if I'd let myself act without thinking like I'd very much wanted to do, would that mean I had to leave behind what we had before? Would I lose my best friend? The prospect of losing him to anything at all had settled like a rock in my gut the second I'd thought of it.

That's why he had to leave.

He had to leave before either of us did anything out of haste or confusion. For the moment I didn't trust myself to breathe, much less think and act rationally. It wasn't that I wanted him to leave I just… couldn't have him stay. There was no way I could handle the situation responsibly and I wasn't about to do anything I would regret later.

There was a quiet thump against the door, right behind me. He hadn't left. I opened my eyes, looking to the ceiling as I tried to decide if I should say something or get up and walk away.

I knew what I should have done, but I couldn't bring myself to go.

"Matt?" He called tremulously, voice thickly muffled by the door. "I know you're there."

Go away, Tai. Please just leave…

"Come on, just open the door."

I curled tighter upon myself and half-heartedly covered my ears. I couldn't stop trembling. If I didn't say anything he'd have to go away sometime.

"Please, Yama…" I wished I could stop myself from listening. "Can I at least get some ice before I go? You hit me pretty hard…"

My breath caught as I recalled decking him in the face. I hadn't pulled the blow at all and he hadn't even tried to move out of the way. I must have really hurt him…

"I promise I won't stay if you don't want me to. You don't even have to let me in if you get a bag of ice and just pass it. Plus you've still got my shoes and my keys so it's not like I'd make it very far and I'd have to knock to get into my own house. My mom will ask questions when I come back without them but I'll go home if-"

"Shut up." I called, loud enough that I knew he would hear me. I'd forgotten how well he could ramble indefinitely about nothing. "Don't you ever stop talking?"

"No." His attempt to mask the injured note in his voice failed miserably. "Are you going to let me in or should I start walking?"

I let my head fall back against the door, the muffled noise mirroring the thump I'd heard a minute ago. Tai must have been sitting against the door as well. I smiled ruefully- we were so hazardously different from each other but sometimes…

"I don't care." I said tiredly, feeling drained as I rolled to my left and clambered to my feet. "Just stop causing a spectacle in the hall. The neighbors will tell my dad I had some weird kid over again."

Clothing shifted against wood as he got up and a second later the knob clicked open. I looked over my shoulder and saw Tai peeking around the edge of the door, just above where his fingers grasped the edge. I winced internally when I saw the red mark all around his left eye. Yeah, it was definitely going to leave a bruise…

"Are you coming in or are you gonna stand there gawking?" I asked flatly, turning away from him and heading toward the kitchen.

"Is it safe for me to come in or are you gonna clock me again?"

Rolling my eyes I ignored him. Behind me the door opened and shut again and I heard Tai's quiet footsteps as he followed me. It had been ages since I'd actually hit Tai because I meant it. I felt kind of guilty as I opened the freezer and grabbed an ice pack from the door. I hadn't meant to hit him so hard.

Tai had stopped in the kitchen's entrance, arm folded across his chest and watching me cautiously as he leaned on the doorframe. I raised an eyebrow, switching the ice pack from one hand to the other to avoid letting it freeze my hands. "Well?" I said expectantly. "Come here."

Looking me up and down once, he shoved lightly away from the wall and very warily moved into the room. I hated that injured look but I ignored it, trying not to think about anything but the present moment. When he got close enough I leaned forward and grabbed his arm even as he made an attempt to shy away again. I pulled him over to me and as gently as I could I laid the ice pack against his eye. He hissed, hand flying to cover mine in an effort to pry at the pack but I held it there long enough for the initial shock to pass. My touch softened when his did and I let him take control.

He gave me a skeptical look as I removed my hands, as though he wasn't sure what to do now. I ran my gaze over him, beginning to regret my initial reaction to this whole situation. I wasn't any closer to solving the dilemma, but I knew I had to do _some_thing before it was too late to salvage a friendship.

* * *

/**End Chapter Seven, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	8. Chapter Eight

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

I hadn't expected him to actually let me back inside his apartment. Sure, I'd wanted ice and yeah, my shoes and keys were inside but at the most I expected them to be handed to me. Or possibly thrown at me, I wasn't sure. But there I was, standing back in Matt's kitchen as he gently pressed a freezing cold ice pack to my eye. I was glad he'd stopped me from tearing it off again because I wouldn't have let it rest there properly on my own. He withdrew as soon as I stopped fighting him and I gave him a confused look. In the past ten minutes his emotions had been all over the place so I had no clue what he was going to do next.

"I… I'm sorry I hit you." He said quietly, dropping his gaze to the floor.

"It's not a big deal. It's not like we haven't fought before." I didn't move from where I stood because I didn't want to set him off again. "We used to all the time in the Digiworld." Actually, I'm pretty sure we fought no matter where we were but I wasn't going to say that aloud.

He looked like he wanted to shake me until my teeth rattled. "Fighting when we were eleven-year-old kids and fighting _now_ is a _lot_ different, Tai."

"I'm just saying it's not a big deal." I defended, wondering why he always got so worked up over little things. Yeah, okay, I'd have a black eye for a while… so what? Was he thinking at _all_ about what happened _before_ he'd hit me?

"It _is_ a big deal!" He snapped, "I shouldn't have reacted like that!"

"Yeah, well, it's not like we can take back anything that's already in the past anyway, right?" I pressed the ice pack a little more tightly to my eye, trying not to let myself get aggravated enough to instigate another fight. "So why are you worrying about it? You hit me, I'm fine. Get over it."

His hand twitched, visible proof that he was holding back from grabbing me by my shirt like he always used to do. "I'm not…" He sighed, tilting his head back to look up in exasperation and exposing his throat in the process. "That's not the point."

Fortunately despite that I could not stop staring I had not lost speech capabilities. "What _is_ the point?"

He shifted again, looking me in the eye and suddenly I found myself understanding a little more. Somehow he'd been hurt and didn't know what to do about it. Whether or not he'd hit me wasn't the issue- we both knew I'd lashed out and he'd only returned the gesture. I'd forgotten that with Yamato I had to look at things with a slightly different perspective. He always said what he meant and meant what he said but there were silent justifications and reasoning that altered how he meant it.

When he'd said 'I'm sorry I hit you' what he'd really said was 'I didn't mean to hurt you.'

"Maybe you should go home, Taichi." He'd slipped into the use of my full name again. I hated when he did that.

"What are you so afraid of, Matt?" I stressed his nickname.

"I'm not afraid." His words were clipped, on the edge of being angry. "You needed ice, you got some. Now you can go."

I peeled the ice pack off of my eye and set it gently on the table next to me. He gave me a confused look, making as if to step backward when I moved but I was faster. Snatching his wrist I drew him close, bringing my hands up around his neck as I pulled him into an embrace. He stiffened but I didn't let go and after a moment I could feel him hesitantly relaxing, hands belatedly returning the gesture.

"I don't want to go," I whispered next to his ear, hearing his breath catch next to mine, "And I don't think you want me to go, either. But… I understand."

I swallowed, pulling back and letting my wrists rest on either side of his neck. Confusion clouded his eyes when he met my gaze. As best as I was able I ignored it, picking up the ice pack and giving him one silent, lingering look before stepping away and turning from the kitchen. He didn't follow me as I grabbed my shoes and keys. I paused for a few seconds by the door, to see if he would say anything, but when he failed to even emerge from the kitchen I let myself out and gently closed the door.

It was a long trip home.

* * *

/**End Chapter Eight, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	9. Chapter Nine

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

* * *

No, Tai. 

I don't think you understand how I feel at all.

I don't think you realize just what you mean to me.

I don't think you know how badly I want to tell you.

I don't... know what to do.

I wish you knew… how scared I am.

* * *

/**End Chapter Nine, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	10. Chapter Ten

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

* * *

When Matt gets upset over something his initial reaction is to get so riled up he gets physical. After that he can win or lose but he never, ever forgets. Whatever upsets him boils inside until the next time someone mentions it and he'd start a fight again. It wasn't really the fighting I was scared of- it was the calm between the two storms, like passing through the eye of a hurricane. I'd survived the first storm but somehow waiting for the second one that I knew was coming was worse. 

I thought about waiting for him on the corner, like I normally did, but I didn't think he would appreciate being confronted with me that early in the morning and I didn't want to deal with him while he was grumpy. He hadn't called me the day before so I assumed he was still sore about Saturday night. I didn't want to push buttons- I'd done it so many times in the past that I knew how it ended. Just in case I'd forgotten, he'd given me that lovely reminder Saturday night- a reminder that had since taken on a dark purple hue all around my left eye.

Unfortunately I was so busy thinking about Matt's reaction to my presence that I didn't stop to think about what everyone else would think when I showed up without him. I imagine it would have been less of a problem if Sora hadn't accosted me the second I walked in the door. Maybe even that wouldn't have been such a big deal if she hadn't been so bloody loud about my black eye. I think that a lot fewer people would have made a connection. I think the entire situation could have been a lot more discreet if only she'd kept her mouth shut. If only he hadn't seen her.

For a moment I thought I'd been let off the hook when she stopped talking in the middle of lecturing me. I started to leave for my class but she halted me, laying a hand against my chest before I could get past. She gave the slightest motion and I curiously followed her gaze around to behind me.

Matt was standing there, looking quietly between us. He wore a curious, slightly blank expression, as if he wasn't quite sure what was happening. The second I opened my mouth to speak, though, his look hardened and he shot a glare in my direction, brushing past and continuing down the hall without a word. I watched him go, unable to speak to stop him.

I tried several times during class but he didn't respond and all I got for my trouble was a trip to stand in the hall for talking in class. There wasn't a whole lot I could do then- the teacher watched me like a hawk.

Of course lunch was even worse than class. At least in class he couldn't move his seat without getting in trouble with the teacher. At lunch we normally sat right next to each other and I would make him eat more than he wanted to eat and he would chastise me for eating so much and everyone would roll their eyes at our antics. Now Matt sat on the other side of the table, as far away as he could get and still be politely considered part of the group.

I didn't get a chance to talk to him then, either. A flock of people, mostly from soccer, descended upon me and he disappeared. I knew I would have to deal with my soccer buddies sooner or later, but I'd been hoping for later. Much to my irritation, all of them wanted to know what had happened now and none of them would give me the space to escape. In the sudden confusion, I lost track of Matt. There was no helping it- I couldn't get away fast enough to follow him.

Luckily my other friends were watching my back. Izzy extracted me from the throng of people as soon as he was able to, scaring them off with mention of homework and tests. I let him drag me out of the lunchroom grateful for the rescue but guessing he had an ulterior motive. Izzy had always been observant but he was observant in a different way than other, well, more normal people.

Apparently Hikari wasn't the only one who thought Matt and I liked one another.

It took me several minutes to convince Izzy that no, as amusing as it was that he thought so, I was not being abused.

All in all it was an absolutely exhausting day. By the end I'd been asked so many times if I'd had a fight with Matt that I was ready to strangle the next person who inquired, however polite they were. I didn't think I could handle another day of questions and insufferable worry from people who had no idea what had happened. If I had to put up with much more I would go absolutely insane.

There was only one place I knew for sure I could corner him.

"Matt." I said as soon as he closed his locker and realized I'd managed to sneak up on him. Again.

"We need to talk."

Blinking, I gave him a startled look. He'd beaten me to saying it. I admit to staring blankly, anything I'd been meaning to say escaping me at Matt's unexpected words. He'd been avoiding me all day and now this?

"Can you come over tonight? My dad's not going to be home until late." He shouldered his book bag and gave me an expectant look.

"Is that really a good idea?" I asked hesitantly, confused at his very sudden change in behavior. It was like he'd completely forgotten everything.

He rapped his knuckle gently against my forehead. "Don't be dumb." He said lightly, acting like my best friend again. Like nothing was wrong. Like he hadn't been ignoring me the entire freaking day. I felt lost and a little angry- something was definitely going on and it seemed like I was going to be the last to know what.

"Yama, don't you think-" I began in a bewildered, defensive voice.

He silenced me with a very serious look, glancing wordlessly to the sides as if to make sure we were alone. I waited impatiently, glaring as I tried to understand what was going through his head. He obviously didn't want to avoid me anymore or maybe-

Maybe I was wrong and it wasn't that he didn't want to speak to me at all. Maybe he just didn't want to cause a scene here, on school grounds. He didn't want to involve anyone else, didn't want outside interference. That could be why he hadn't spoken to me at all today. That could be why he wasn't speaking to me now.

Perhaps the situation was not as unsalvageable as it first seemed. I felt hope returning at the thought.

"Can you?" He repeated quietly.

Like I had a choice…

How could I say no?

* * *

/**End Chapter Ten, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	11. Chapter Eleven

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings, and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven

* * *

**

For an instant I'd thought for sure there was no way I could speak to Tai again. People just can't kiss their best friend and expect their world to stay intact the way it had been before. As soon as I thought it, though, I knew I was only lying to myself. I'd rather have things be awkward for a million years than just cut him out of my life completely.

I knew I couldn't cause a scene at school. People were going to know what had happened but whether it happened now or later was in our hands. if there was any chance in hell that I could get everything cleared up between Tai and I, for better or for worse, then people would find out on our terms. There was no way to stop gossip; it was one of the more powerful forces of nature, but like lightning or flood waters it could often be drawn where you want it or directed to do less harm if taken care of swiftly by intelligent people. The new plan was to keep damages to a minimum and hope things turned out well.

Stellar plan, Yamato. Was that the best I could come up with after two days of obsessing over this- apologize to Taichi and hope nothing fell apart?

Really, though… what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to react to all of this? It wasn't like I could just tell Taichi 'I'm sorry I freaked out about that kiss, I just don't like you like that. Can we be friends?' First of all there was a very small chance he would go for that plan. We were both well aware that once a line like that had been crossed, once you'd kissed a friend for real… it was nearly impossible to let things stay the way they were. Someone always gets hurt. Besides, I'd never hear the end of it if he actually did accept that offer and…

Well, if I said something like that I'm not sure I'd be telling the truth. Besides, I know that wouldn't be what I wanted anyway- being just friends, that is.

Think about it. If I said that, if I proposed something like that and asked to be 'just friends,' what the hell was I going to do if he accepted? Try and forget Saturday night had ever happened? A part of me didn't _want_ to forget. I didn't want to forget that he'd done it or what it was like to kiss someone I thought might actually mean it.

I hadn't kissed a lot of people in my life, despite how popular our band had gotten in the past two years. It's not like we were huge or anything- no major record company, or even minor record company, had approached us. Pretty much no one outside of this town had even heard of us but I was aware that almost everyone _in_ town had. Some of the others in the band used that to their advantage- I'd heard them talk about this or that girl more often than I brushed my hair. I'm sure I could have lured anyone I wanted into doing things with me but… somehow if it didn't mean anything, I didn't want it. I didn't want anything to do with it.

Tai was a different case, though. He wasn't a crazed fan or someone I had to be polite to for the sake of being polite. He wasn't a friend from school or someone I saw on weekends. He was my best friend. I'd been to hell and back with him and I'd do it again if I knew he was going to be with me. If he was going to go as far as to bring all of this to light and expect me to deal with it… well, I owed him the respect of trying.

All of this not even considering that we are both boys and that it would most likely mean social suicide to start anything.

Across the house, a timer dinged, completely interrupting my downward spiral of thought. Oh crap… I'd totally forgotten dinner was cooking. Tai was going to be here any minute and here I was dilly-dallying instead of watching the food so it didn't burn. He'd be disappointed enough in my choice of dinners without it being questionably edible.

Originally I'd planned for something Tai liked, but Dad had called about two hours ago and asked if I could make him casserole for when he got home. I'd stared blankly at the dinner I'd already been preparing before closing my eyes in resignation. What the heck- he wasn't home very much so I'd thought it would be nice to be able to do something for him when he was. I'd agreed and put back everything I'd had out before he called before taking a trip to the corner store for new supplies.

That had all been _before_ I'd decided to get into the shower and completely blank out, ignoring the entire world in favor of the pounding water.

I sighed miserably and darted out of my room, leaving the towel I'd been drying my hair with on my bed. I couldn't believe I'd completely forgotten dinner. Cripes, I'd spent my whole day zoning in and out of reality. Half the time I was lucky my teachers hadn't made a habit of calling on me in class in the past- the other half I wasn't so lucky. I vaguely remember people asking me what was wrong, but I'm not sure who or how many times or if I even responded. The whole day was just a blur. It was only by miracle that Tai ended up at my locker so I could ask him to come over, or I would have missed the chance.

Glad that I didn't smell burning anything when I made it into the kitchen, I forced myself to relax. It was just a casserole. An extra two seconds wasn't going to hurt it. My dad wouldn't care as long as it was still edible and Tai was a human garbage disposal. Still, I took a lot of pride in my ability to cook well…

I was so distracted and worried that I almost forgot the oven mitts when trying to pull the casserole out of the oven. Placing it wearily on the stove-top, I let go as fast as I could. The dish was so hot I'd almost burned myself right through the oven mitts. Blowing on the fingers of my right hand, I opened the cupboard and pulled down three plates and set them noisily on the counter. I hated that sound, the ones plates made when they clinked against one another. It always made it sound like they were breaking. I dug briefly in our silverware drawer, thinking that I really should get around to organizing it soon, and laid everything on the table.

Just as I had pulled the salad and dressing from the fridge and set it on the table, there was a knock on the door. I fully expected it to just open and Tai to just come inside like he always did, but after a moment of silence it occurred to me that he might not this time. I clenched my jaw at the irritation that stirred in me, though it just as quickly changed to another sense of knowing that the simple act of him barging in my door whenever he got here would be lost as well if I screwed this up now.

I glanced around the room quickly- plates, silverware, salad (why were the tongs still in the bowl if I'd put in the fridge?) and casserole. Everything looked ready. There was another knock on the door, this time a little louder. Rolling my eyes I ducked out of the kitchen, glancing down the hallway as I passed. I stood in front of the door for a second before reaching out and slowly unlatching the lock. Taking a deep breath, I turned the handle.

* * *

/**End Chapter Eleven**/

* * *


	12. Chapter Twelve

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, plot, and settings are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve

* * *

**

This was such, such a bad idea. I knew that Matt wanted to talk to me and I knew that we were going to be right back at his house and I knew his dad, again, was not going to be home. The situation was just asking for trouble! When I'd agreed to go along with this I'd been out of my mind worrying that he'd never talk to me again. It hadn't occurred to me that this was the perfect opportunity to get into a worse fight because someone said something they didn't think about first.

Which meant, of course that I'd spent the entire rest of the day thinking about it. I came up with what felt like a million scenarios and played through them in my head, planning out what I would say no matter what he said first. I was totally prepared for anything…

That is, until he opened the door.

He stared at me as though he weren't quite sure why I was standing on his doorstep. I could smell something cooking in the apartment and even if I couldn't tell quite what it was, it smelled very good. Matt looked like he'd quite literally gotten out of the shower only a few minutes ago- his hair wasn't even brushed through yet! That wasn't what really got my attention, though.

I handed him the bag of cookies Kari had helped me make before I left home, and gave him a confused look. "Did I interrupt your shower?" I said as diplomatically as I possibly could.

"What?" He asked, "No, I've been out for a while…"

"Then… where are your pants?"

As soon as I said it he looked down and then with a loudly exasperated noise he rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of…" I could practically see his thought processes flicker across his face- run? Get angry? Give up?- before he merely handed me back the cookies and turned away from me. "Just get inside. I've been very distracted today." He began walking away from me as I entered, slipping off my shoes at the entrance and trying not to look at how his button-down shirt almost didn't… well, it's not like I was looking. "Dinner is on the table, I'll be back in a minute.

As he disappeared around the corner, I moved into the kitchen. There were some plates stacked neatly next to utensils and a salad on the table. Even though I could see the piping hot casserole on the stove top, it didn't seem to matter. Normally I didn't like casserole but for whatever reason, it actually smelt edible- maybe even good. Anyhow it wasn't like the food was even important right now. I set the package of cookies Kari had sent with me on the edge of the counter and took a seat just as Matt came back.

Thankfully he was suitably dressed this time, though he hadn't been lying when he said he was distracted. His eyes had that far away look to them, like his mind was in a completely different world. I'd seen that look before. He'd worn it all the time in the digiworld, when he thought no one was looking. It was the one that said he was lost in a place that was out of reach, a place he felt he was so out of touch with that he'd never be able to return to it.

I hated that look. Bitterly.

He laid gentle hands on one of the glasses and finally focused on me, as though he'd just realized I was there. "Did you want something to drink?"

"Just water." I said quietly, wondering why my voice sounded so unnaturally loud, even though I hadn't raised my voice.

With a noise of assent he moved to the sink and poured two glasses of water, passing one to me as he took a seat. "I'm sorry about the casserole," he began, before I had a chance to mention anything more important. "Dad called and asked me to make one. I can make something else if you don't-"

"Nah, it's fine," I interjected with a smile that was only slightly forced. "It smells nice, actually." It couldn't hurt to admit to my earlier observation. "Are you…" I trailed off, not knowing what I thought I was going to say. There were a million things I wanted to ask him but none of it seemed like a good place to start.

"Yeah." He lifted the glass to his lips and gave me a sort of odd look, as though I'd just said something he didn't understand. "It's been a long day. I'm sorry I…" He stopped short and took a drink of water, shaking his head to brush of the beginning of the apology.

I took a deep breath and picked the first thing that came to mind. "Are you mad at me?" Okay, there were worse ways to start off a conversation like this… Not that I could think of any…

His eyes lost that distant look when he glanced to me and I knew he was trying to make up his mind on how to react. "A little," he admitted faster than I had thought he would. "It's just…"

I watched the back of his knuckle touch his lips in thought and resisted the urge to mimic the gesture. He was thinking about Saturday. He had to be. How could he not be? That look was the same one he'd had right before he booted me the first time. The look that said a million things and yet told me absolutely nothing about what he was thinking or feeling.

"Difficult?" I offered resignedly.

"Yeah." He shrugged as though attempting to shake it off and took another gulp of water as he rose. "I didn't mean…" He stopped, mutely backtracking on his words. "I wasn't avoiding you today."

Nodding, I sat back in my chair. "I know." I'd spent a lot of time thinking about it and eventually I'd come to the conclusion that he must have wanted to avoid making a scene. God knows we made enough of one when we were alone- I'd hate to see the ramifications of having that sort of fight in front of everyone. Who knew what might have been overheard… and I know it would have been my fault because I'm always the first to let something like that slip. If I'd gotten to talk to him I'm pretty sure I would have made a scene. "I figured it out once I got home."

"So you're not…" He looked honestly relieved.

I shook my head and offered a small smile, one that I actually meant. He seemed to relax and I realized that he'd been just as worried that I was angry with him as I'd been worried he was angry with me. We were really being damn silly about this. I mean, we were best friends. We'd been through way worse than this and made it out alive. So this was a little different than a life-threatening situation but…

"Hungry?" He asked tentatively, breaking the stilted conversation thread.

"Starving!" Okay, I have a weakness…

He lifted a plate off the short stack and took a breath. "I changed a few things this time so maybe you'll actually like it. I'm not sure I'll remember what I did, though. I just keep thinking about… well, I've zoning all day so I don't remember what exactly I was doing…" I let him ramble because he rarely ever did and it was nice to hear his voice after a couple of days without it. He trailed off and that distracted look came back to his eyes, but somehow I felt better about it. This time I could almost imagine that he was actually working through what was snarling up his thoughts and that when he came back from where-ever he was lost to he would have an answer. Almost mechanically he moved over to the stove and picked up a serving utensil from the edge of the counter.

I was only half paying attention to what he was doing until he let out a pained yelp and dropped the dish he'd been holding as if it had bit him. I scrambled to stand, echoing Matt's shout at the startling noise the plate made when it shattered. Matt made half an attempt to avoid the impact but… I stared openly at the sketchy red marks he left on the floor as he stepped away from the mess.

All at once my brain cause up with the rest of my senses.

Oh god…

My stomach lurched at the sight of the blood and for a second I closed my eyes against the feeling of nausea. There were razor sharp pieces all over; he must have cut himself pretty badly… I took half a stilted step before freezing, eyes snapping open. My breath caught in my throat at the thought of Matt being hurt.

"Matt, are you-…"

He made a noise that was somewhere between angry and frustrated before dropping back against the fridge and sliding heavily to the floor. My shaken trance broken, I stumbled forward, wary of where I stepped. I dropped down beside him, not sure what to do- he didn't even acknowledge that I was there. I watched his hands stray to his feet, clenching around the edges but not touching the bottoms.

"Matt…?"

* * *

/**End Chapter Twelve, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	13. Chapter Thirteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, plot, and settings are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen

* * *

**

Ah, god it hurt… I should have been more careful. I don't even know how I managed to touch the scalding hot pan and I don't know why I startled so badly and I don't know why I dropped the plate and I don't know why I stepped on the pieces and I bloody well didn't know what I was doing on the floor and-

I groaned, curling up to get a better look at my foot, which was throbbing painfully. Part of me wanted to press my hands tightly against the fresh cuts but I didn't dare- I could feel the little splintery shards that were still there. I pressed my hands against the edges of my foot, trying not to think about the way my hand still burned or how my eyes were prickling with the going-to-cry-if-things-aren't-fixed-soon sensation.

Why was this turning into such a crappy day? Nothing was going like it was supposed to go! I'd even forced a quiet day upon both of us, gotten him over here… Everything just… couldn't it all just be okay again?

Tai had gotten to his feet when I yelped and I think he may have said something but I hadn't heard what. I wasn't listening. I didn't want him to be here. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to start over. I wanted a rewind button; a way to go back in time and do things the right way. I wanted my best friend back the way things were. I wanted this awkward, painfully wrong situation to be over so that I could stop doing stupid things like burning myself and slicing my feet up because I couldn't pay attention to anything else.

I rested my forehead against my knees, jaw clenching tightly as I felt Tai crouch at my side. I touched the sides of my feet gingerly, containing a gasp at the way the motion made fire spike up around the small lacerations. When Tai touched my shoulder I told him to shove off but of course he didn't listen. Of course he didn't- when does he ever listen…

"Matt, come on…" he pleaded gently, forehead resting against the side of my head, nose touching my ear. "You're bleeding all over the floor."

I shrugged his hands off of mine and growled, though it was more pathetic than intimidating. "I don't care." Walk out the door, Tai. Walk out and wait fifteen minutes so I can clean this and pretend it didn't happen. Leave so I can try again. Give me a second chance.

"Well I do." He grabbed my arm and hauled me to my feet without waiting for me to respond. I considered playing the dead weight game but in the end I let him do what he wanted. Most of the time he did what he wanted anyhow, so why bother resisting?

"What are you doing?" I asked skeptically, finding that the continued sound of his voice was pulling my attention away from my foot. Already I'd begun to calm.

"You're going to hobble your clumsy ass to the bathroom so we can put a bandage on your foot and you're not going to argue with me about it."

I opened my mouth to do just that, but I realized that not only was it against my better judgment to do so… it would be a completely useless endeavor. If I didn't walk there myself, Tai would probably drag me and I was certain that would be more painful. So I quietly resigned myself and let him walk me.

We hobbled down the hall to the bathroom and I tried to only put weight on the side of my foot. The problem was that every time I did that the skin would pinch all together and it would hurt worse than if I just walked normally. In the end I gave up using my left foot at all and let Tai become almost an extension of myself. That turned out to be much easier than trying to be two separate people walking together.

When we reached the bathroom he let me enter first, still holding onto me as if he wasn't going to let go. "Can you get up on the counter?"

"I'm not an invalid." I replied hotly, shaking off his hands in irritation I didn't really feel. I didn't want him to stop but I didn't want him to know that.

Slowly I rotated and slipped onto the sink's counter so that my legs hung over the side. Taichi stood before me, an inch from my knees, hands hovering over my hips protectively as though he thought I would fall. His gaze was focused so intensely that he didn't even notice how close he was. My breath caught in my throat when his fingertips brushed my jeans as soon as I'd settled and he glanced up without moving his head.

He was just inches away; if I just… All I had to do was…

"Matt, are you-"

I brought a hand up and ever so gently brushed his jaw with the tips of my fingers, silencing him.

* * *

**/End Chapter Thirteen, Clandestine Revelations/**

* * *


	14. Chapter Fourteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, plot, and settings are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen

* * *

**

I heard his breath catch and I thought he'd hurt himself getting onto the counter by himself. But when I glanced up he was just staring at me, eyes wide and completely motionless. Concerned, I leaned forward the slightest bit and gave him a worried look.

"Matt, are you-"

Before I could finish my sentence I felt his fingers on my jaw and I lost all sense of what I'd been about to say. I couldn't breath, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but openly stare at him, waiting. Confusion flickered in his eyes for a brief second and then that damnable mask slipped down and I couldn't tell _what_ he was thinking.

"Tai…" His voice was soft, almost pleading.

I closed my eyes, removing myself from his touch before looking back to him. I was rewarded with a hurt look that I forced myself to ignore. He wasn't being serious, I told myself. Once bitten and twice shy, I believe is what people say; I was still smarting from the last time Yamato had let me get close and I knew enough to avoid a repetition. If nothing else, I'd seen that he was confused and as long as he didn't know what he was thinking we'd end up in the same situation. Someone would get hurt and ten to one says it would be me.

"Give me your foot." I said quietly, backing away half a step and opening the cupboard under the sink. Peroxide and bandages were where they had always been; all the way to the right, halfway back.

Without a word he raised his foot, gingerly crossing his leg so that his ankle rested on his thigh. It took every ounce of will and strength in me to keep my hands from trembling as I examined the pads of his feet and pulled tiny bits of plate dust from his skin. In all there were two deep cuts that looked like they'd been made from the same piece, and a shallow puncture in the arch of his foot. The rest were no more than paper-cuts from the dust; irritating but harmless.

"You don't have to do this." He said quietly, breaking the awkward silence.

"Yeah right." I held tightly to the back of his ankle and ran a piece of peroxide-soaked gauze over his foot. He hissed and tried to pull away but I held fast, containing a smile at his predictability. "I've seen how you clean wounds. You're the biggest baby."

"Shut up," he growled through clenched teeth. "I am not."

I bandaged his foot in silence, concentrating on the task in front of me, in the way the white gauze looked, anything so that I didn't have to really think. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to have everything be awkward with Matt anymore. If I couldn't have… If what I really wanted couldn't work then I wanted my best friend back.

But I couldn't say anything. I wanted to. I wanted to say stop, call a truce; surrender all notion of anything that wasn't returning to the past. Kari's observations had to be flawed. Yamato was my best friend and best friends just don't get together; it's like there is a rule against it and I can imagine it's a rule created with very good reason. So I just clenched my jaw and I didn't speak.

"Are you mad at me?" Matt asked tentatively as I finished tying the bandage.

I gave him an incredulous look. Mad at him…? _Mad_ at him! How could I be mad at him when I was so busy worrying that he'd be mad at me! He'd kicked me out (twice), punched me (for real), avoided me for days (except when I cornered him), and when I got here he acted strange and distant (like I was an unknown visitor instead of his best friend).

Then again I could understand where he was coming from and that was mixing up all the signals to the point where I didn't know what was going on or how to respond. I'd thought that I knew him well enough to predict what to do but everything that I knew about him was currently working against anything that happened. I felt like I was playing it by ear… and I'd never heard the song before.

"No," I replied, gaze flickering over his face though he wouldn't meet my eyes. "I'm sorry I brought it up- you know, what Kari said. It's just… causing problems, isn't it…" He finally looked up in question and I shook my head. "I don't want to fight with you, Yama."

He raised one eyebrow and I could see the smile waiting just behind his serious look. "I don't want to fight with you about this, Tai-chi."

I grinned at the way he pronounced each syllable as if it were a separate word. Taking a breath, I released his foot, allowing my fingers to linger a second longer than they should have. "Then can we just forget about it?"

Not that I wanted to - or would ever - forget but if telling him I would meant we could be friends still then I was more than willing to lie this once. It would be so much worse to give him up because of something so…

His gaze dropped again and his shoulders slumped almost imperceptibly. "I guess that would be best, wouldn't it?"

"Mm." I took a step backward, giving him room to hop down from the counter. "All done."

He watched me like a hawk as he slithered to the floor and followed me out of the bathroom. "If you don't want casserole, I can make something else." He said quietly. "I know you don't like it."

For a second I wished he was kidding. Hungry? I still felt sick; with myself, with Matt, with just everything. I wanted to take the past few days and erase them but… I knew that wouldn't change anything. That would probably make it worse, if anything.

I'm not saying that I wanted to be in that position with Matt. I didn't want to feel uncomfortable around him or feel like there was something we had left unresolved and ignored. A part of me wished that Kari had just never said anything, that she'd never brought anything to my attention. If she hadn't opened my eyes, I should have been able to avoid all of this.

… But I knew that wasn't true, either.

Just closing my eyes to the situation wouldn't make it go away or make it better. It would make it worse because then I would be confused. I wouldn't understand what was going on inside my own head. The feelings I had for Matt were going to be there whether or not I was aware of them, whether or not I knew how to define them.

Yeah, feelings. It had taken a few days for me to get used to the idea but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We were always together, we knew practically everything about each other, and… maybe if he'd been a girl someone else would have pointed it out a lot sooner. Maybe I would have realized it on my own, instead.

But I hadn't. Kari had already pointed it out and I couldn't take any of it back now. I couldn't _go_ back to how it was.

"Casserole's fine." I mumbled, forcing myself to smile. "I mean, it's caused enough problems already tonight, right?" I felt a little better when he returned my smile. "We can take revenge or something."

"Yeah, or something," he mocked, shoving me lightly as he passed me in the hall and made it to the kitchen first. I managed to grab his arm before he could step back onto the floor.

"Do you… Do you want me to clean that up real quick?" I asked, staring at the mess the plate had made.

Normally I think he would have protested but almost as soon as I was done speaking the phone began to ring. Reaching to his right, he nabbed the broom and handed it to me. "I'll be right back." Turning, he took a step toward the front room and then paused. "Please be careful, Tai."

"I'm always careful." I said in mock indignation. Even though I couldn't see his face I knew I got an eye roll. "Just get the phone."

The mess wasn't very big and thankfully except for the small amount of blood there was nothing wet so it swept clean quickly. I could hear Matt talking quietly in the other room but I couldn't hear what he was talking about so I ignored it. I was sure that if it was important, he would tell me sooner or later. I'd just finished wiping up the last bit of dust and blood with a wet rag when Matt reentered.

"Who was it?" I asked, folding the rag and tossing it in the general direction of the sink.

He eyed the rag as though he were going to walk across the room and fix it but he settled for leaning against the doorframe instead. "My dad," he said nonchalantly. "Apparently he's not going to… be home for a few days."

Although he shrugged it off, I knew him better than that. "Do you need someone to stay over?" I asked, shifting my weight to one foot as I ran my eyes over him. To most people he would have seemed relax but I saw the tension in the tilt of his head and the way he folded his arms just a little too tightly.

"Don't you have homework?"

I gave him an 'are you kidding me' look and stepped away to give him access to the stovetop. "When was the last time I did homework at home?" I paused and grinned. "Well, at my home, anyhow."

"Good point," he agreed, shoving himself lightly off the wall and walking over to stand beside me. I watched him curiously as he spooned out portions of the casserole very neatly. I'd always been amazed at people that could do that sort of thing- whenever I tried to get casserole or lasagna or anything out of a pan it just ended up all over the place.

"So?" I asked, when it seemed like he was going to leave it at that. "Do you want me to stay? Kari can bring my stuff with her tomorrow if I call soon."

"If you really don't mind." He shoved a plate into my hands and took a seat at the table. "It's fine with me."

"Fine with you…" I rolled my eyes, setting my plate down across from him. "All right, I'll call now before it gets any later."

"You know where the phone is," he replied around a mouthful.

I padded out to the front room and sat heavily on the chair beside the phone. Really, I should have just kept my mouth shut and gone home after dinner. I knew that. But I also knew that Matt hated staying alone in the house during the week, even though he did it often. I couldn't just leave him.

"Kari?" I asked when she answered the phone.

"Are you still at Yamato's house?" She didn't even bother with a greeting. "Mom wants to know when you're going to be home."

I groaned, leaning back in the chair. "Matt's dad isn't coming home tonight and I was going to stay and keep him company."

"What do you want me to tell Mom? It's your turn to clean tonight…"

"Take one for the team?" I asked hopefully, trying to think of some reason why she should. "You were gonna go to Takeru's this weekend, right? Switch me days and tell Mom I'm working on a school project or something."

"Tai you know I hate lying!" Her voice squeaked a little in indignation and I had to force myself to take a breath before I said anything.

"Please, Kari? Please?" When she didn't answer, I knew I was losing. "C'mon, please? You know how hard it is to stay in a house overnight alone and we really-" I stopped, wondering if I could still play a card I knew I didn't really have… I let my voice drop to a whisper. "It's just me and him tonight… You know we weren't talking and I _need_ to be able to tonight."

I could actually hear her debating on the other end, a slight 'I don't want to do this but I don't have a choice' noise escaping her throat. "Fine. But you owe me."

"Whatever you want, it's yours," I said without thinking.

Oi, that was a dumb idea. "I want details as soon as you get home." She paused. "What about your stuff for tomorrow?"

"Could you bring it with you? I can meet you by the front doors…"

"Have you died out there?" Matt called from the kitchen.

"Yes!" I called back, hand over the phone for a second.

Apparently she could hear him, because she laughed. "Fine, whatever. You'd better get back to your… friend."

I made a face at the phone. "Thank you."

"You'd better make this worth it, Taichi," she threatened and then the phone clicked loudly in my ear, leaving me alone with Matt once again.

Great.

* * *

/**End Chapter Fourteen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	15. Chapter Fifteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the rating. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, plot, and settings are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen

* * *

**

I poked at the casserole on my plate, feeling a little sick. My mind was still racing over everything in the bathroom, matching it up against the past few days and trying to figure out why Taichi had pulled away like that. Had he changed his mind? Had he made up his mind that he wanted to be just friends now? The look he'd given me when he said that said he was lying… but which way? More or less?

I rubbed my eyes tiredly with the palm of my hand, unable to sort anything in my head properly. How could I even begin to determine which he wanted when I didn't even know which _I_ wanted? Every time I tried to hold onto a thought it was interrupted by another and another until I'd forgotten what exactly I was trying so hard to figure out in the first place.

"Kari said she'd bring my stuff." I watched Tai walk back into the kitchen and take a seat across from me. Though he picked up the fork, he didn't seem to want to touch his food, either.

"That's good. What about your homework tonight?"

He shrugged, pushing a noodle bit away from the rest of the casserole and then back again. "I really don't think I'd get any homework done if I went home anyway." Glancing up, he paused and smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes like it normally did. "So we got a whole free night- what do you want to do?"

I dropped my gaze and rolled one shoulder in an indifferent gesture. What I wanted to do was talk to him but it was hard to do that when I didn't even know where to start. Where does one pick up and start a conversation like that? It was hard enough saying anything when we were already on the subject that first day… Did he expect me to bring it up again? He'd made it clear that, at least outwardly, he wanted to be friends with me. How was I supposed to get around that to say anything?

"I've got to practice for this weekend. We've got a show, remember?"

"Can I watch?"

"I don't know, can you?" I let my smile show just a little bit to prove I was only teasing. "Last time you watched me practice you couldn't keep that big mouth of yours shut."

He made an incredulous noise. "I was singing along!"

"You were something along, but I wouldn't call that singing…"

"Che," he huffed stabbing a forkful of food and shoving it into his mouth. "Not everyone has a perfect singing voice. Just because you can sing doesn't mean you get to just make fun of everyone you think can't."

"All right," I responded, relaxing just a little bit at his easy tone. "If you want to watch I won't stop you."

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes. Taichi actually managed to finish a few more bites of food before he rose and cleared his own plate. I clenched my jaw a little bit, concerned at the behavior. Tai almost never put away his own dishes but there he was, scraping what was left on his plate into the garbage disposal and opening the dishwasher to load his plate and utensils. He was definitely nervous and trying to hide it but in doing so he was only making it more obvious.

"Is it really okay?" I asked before I could stop myself.

"What?" He turned a little bit and looked at me, before realizing what he was doing. "Oh, shoot. It's fine; I don't mind doing dishes tonight. It's not like-"

"That's not…" I interrupted, cutting off my words and staring at him mutely for a moment. He stared back, eyes flickering over mine in an attempt to decide what was going on inside my head. "I mean… you staying here." When he only gave me a confused look, I sighed in exasperation. "You've got homework to do and I've got homework to do and a band to practice for and if you're not nervous I'm nervous enough for the both of us."

"Nervous?" He echoed, looking even more confused. "It's not like the teachers are going to come to raze your place if you don't finish your homework three days early for once in your life. You're-"

"I'm not talking about homework, Taichi," I said plainly, avoiding meeting his eyes.

"Fooled me."

He leaned back against the counter and I knew the look he was giving me without seeing it. No matter what he said he knew exactly what I was talking about but he was pushing me. Although I hated to admit it, he wasn't as stupid as some people thought he was. He knew the score. He was testing to see if I did too or if I was playing blind. He wanted to make sure that I knew what I was getting into before I got into it.

Finally he sighed and used his hips to push away from the counter. "You're making things about a billion times more complicated than they really are, Yamato." I looked up at him when he used my whole name, a little startled. He half-smiled and raised one eyebrow. "We're still friends, right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"No yeah buts. Are we friends or aren't we?"

"We-… Yeah, we are."

He shrugged and took my plate from the table. "Then, we're friends and it's all right if I stay over a night. Unless you've got a problem with it?"

I fixed him with a serious look, but he said nothing further. "It's not that simple," I grumbled, grabbed my glass from the table and handing it to him when he held out his hand. "You're making everything so black and white."

"That's all it's got to be." His gave me an apologetic look as soon as the words were out of his mouth, obviously catching the inappropriately harsh tone. "I'm sorry. It's just… I wouldn't have brought anything up if I thought it was going to cause such a problem."

"So you want to just forget it happened?" I asked quietly.

"Well… doesn't that seem like the best way?" He didn't sound as if he believed himself. "If it's just going to come between us then I say we'd both be better off forgetting."

My gaze dropped, falling to my unfinished dinner. "What if I don't want to forget? What if I don't know if I do or don't want to forget?"

"What do you mean?" I knew the look he would be giving me; the one that said he knew what I meant but he wanted me to say it.

"I mean… I mean…" God. I shoved my chair backwards and got to my feet. There was no way I could tell him what I meant and I knew very well that he wasn't going to do anything until he was sure. Apparently until I managed to make it crystal clear he wouldn't do a thing. "I don't know what I mean. Forget I said anything."

I grabbed my plate and shoved it into the sink before stalking out of the room. I'm not quite sure why I did; I was angry, I knew, but I couldn't place why. Taichi was being himself, the same Taichi I'd known since forever. He was stubborn and intelligent no matter what he played at and I guess I was upset because it seemed like this was just another game. It felt like he was testing me to see what moves _I_ had before _he_ would make a move.

When I reached my room I closed the door and snatched up my guitar (carefully, mind you, because she was my baby) and set up to play. Before I began I could hear the water running in the kitchen and for a second I regretted just leaving my plate. I'd thought I could do it later but Taichi seemed to have other plans. Ignoring the noise, I struck a few chords, closed my eyes, and lost myself to a familiar song.

* * *

/**End Chapter Fifteen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	16. Chapter Sixteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. I hate the new rating system so I am sticking with the old one. Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, plot, and settings are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen

* * *

**

I felt like a real idiot. I mean, I guess I had just assumed that Matt either didn't know what he wanted or did know what he wanted and it wasn't anything to do with me. He was never very good at making up his mind. Well, that's not entirely true… He was very good at making up his mind it just never _stayed_ made up long enough. I'd like to think that I could predict how he was going to act but I just couldn't.

I should have kept to myself after what happened in the bathroom. I'd promised myself that I would let him make up his mind - that I would _make_ him make up his mind - before I acted. Before I _re_acted. But he just kept throwing curveballs.

Scrubbing at the plate he'd left in the sink, I listened to the strands of guitar music coming from his room. I smiled, recognizing it as one of his favorites. Of course, it was also the one he played when he was upset over something. He said that he knew it so well that he could play it with his eyes closed and just let the music take him.

It was very cute, really.

I set the plate on the counter and tried to clean up the rest of the kitchen. I don't have a lot of patience for doing that sort of thing but it wasn't like there was anything else to do. If I went to Matt's room he'd probably kick me out if he noticed me at all.

Just as I finished putting away the last of the food, I heard the music trail to a stop and silence descended. I stood perfectly still, listening for any sign that my best friend would join me again. The door to his room creaked and soft footsteps padded down the hall. I remained where I was until he poked his head into the kitchen.

"Would you like to take a shower?"

Shower, great. Fantastic. "Sure." Of course I didn't really want to shower at all but somehow he didn't look like he was going to give me a choice. I would be clean or I would be leaving.

"You know where everything is, I think. And-"

"No touching your shampoo," I finished for him, smiling. "I know."

He glared at me for a moment, though I knew he wasn't really angry. "Right." He tossed a towel at my face and disappeared.

I dried my hands and slung the towel around my neck as I headed down the hall to the bathroom. In his room I could hear him begin again with his guitar, picking at notes in what sounded like no particular order. Sighing, I pushed open the bathroom door and closed it tightly behind me.

He was so confusing sometimes. He could act one way for a while and you'd think you had a grip on how he was going to be but in the next instant he was someone else and you had no idea where you stood with him. There had to be some kind of medication for that kind of behavior. But I knew it was just his personality shining through again. He put up this great front for people but every so often his real self would show through the cracks. Sometimes I thought he did it on purpose for me; let me see the real him. I'd never seen him really break around anyone else… but then, I was never not there to observe so I couldn't say for sure.

Yamato Ishida; the human enigma.

Before peeling off my shirt, I set the towel on the sink's counter and started the water running. For a moment I pondered using his shampoo just because he always told me not to, but I decided it wouldn't help anything to get him angry. I knew a confused and angry Matt tended to be painful. Very painful.

I'd no sooner slipped into the shower when the door to the bathroom opened. A little shocked, I poked my head out around the curtain and caught Matt as he gave me a startled look. It almost made me think that he didn't have any better idea what he was doing there than I did. I spent a second looking him over before he seemed to get a grip and took a seat on the edge of the counter. Neither of us said a word and I closed the curtain to continue taking my shower. If he had something to say, he'd say it on his own time. I wasn't about to waste all the hot water waiting.

"You're not angry with me, are you?" He asked after a moment or two, just when I'd begun to suspect that he'd only come for the company.

I leaned my head back into the spray, running fingers along my slicked back hair and rinsing out the shampoo. Angry? How could I be- he was only being himself after all. I certainly didn't expect him to act any differently. "No," I replied, just loud enough to be heard over the water. "I can't be mad at you just because you can't make up your mind."

"I can make up mind," he said hotly.

"Then do it already because you're driving me crazy."

"Just like that you want me to decide? It sounds like you already have."

Ouch, yeah… In a way he was absolutely right. I _had_ made up my mind and I wanted to give it a try. I think I owed our friendship that much at least. Matt and I were so close already, practically the same person sometimes… but how close was too close? Where did friendship become something more? There must be a point, a line to cross. But how did I define that line? Was I too late to keep from crossing it?

Did I _want_ to keep from crossing it?

"Yeah," I agreed at last. "I did, sort of."

The water was beginning to cool off but I couldn't bring myself to leave. I wanted to hear an answer, at least one, before I got out. I deserved at least one response from him.

"And?" he asked at last, almost too quietly for me to hear.

"And… I think Kari was right." There. At least my side was out in the open now. "I think there's something we never saw because we weren't looking. If there weren't…" I trailed off, looking for a way to phrase what I really wanted to say. "If there weren't then would there even be a debate? Would there be any question?"

The door to the bathroom clicked shut and I knew I was alone again.

* * *

/**End Chapter Sixteen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *

Notes:

* * *

Yes, I know they don't generally do the whole 'shower' thing (although they do exist) in Japan and no, I don't care so don't bother telling me. For this story, Yamato's place will have a shower and that is how it will be.

* * *


	17. Chapter Seventeen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen

* * *

**

I closed the door to the bathroom and sank back against it, heart pounding. All I could think about was what Taichi had said; that if there was nothing there, then there wouldn't even be a debate. None of this would have happened if there wasn't some shred of doubt; if there wasn't some scrap of feeling that there was something… More. He'd just made everything startlingly real, put everything into strict perspective.

Slipping down the hall, I very gently shut the door to my room and took a seat on the edge of the bed. The whole situation was a mess. Tai wanted it to be black and white; either I liked him or I didn't, but it wasn't and it couldn't be. It couldn't ever be that simple. He didn't think about what would change. Somehow I doubted that he'd ever given thought to what would be lost or what would be gained.

He was like that; thinking on a small scale first. I suppose it wasn't such a bad method, in theory, but it wasn't going to cut it now. There was more than just one thing to consider here. When I tried to think of it all, I just got buried under the weight. What about our friendship? What about our families? What about our friends? School? Sports? I mean, how could he think that changing our friendship would affect only us?

The shower shut off and I could very faintly here Taichi moving around in the bathroom. Closing my eyes, I laid back on the bed and tried to quickly sort myself out before he got here. I'd already laid out a change of clothes for him to sleep in; even though I already knew he'd lose half of them in his sleep like he always did. I thought for a second about staying to talk to him, but I had no idea what I could possibly say.

The door to my room creaked open before I could get up to leave and I paused, only halfway sitting. Taichi blinked at me for a second and then moved into the room, walking past me to snag the clothes I'd set out for him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, eyeing me cautiously as if he thought I'd attack.

"No," I retorted, laying back down again. "Do I look like I'm all right?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I thought you did, smartass." He ruffled the smaller towel through his hair to dry it a bit before donning the t-shirt. "I just… don't want you to be upset by what I said."

"I'm not upset," I said, though I know I sounded like I was lying through my teeth. I was. "I asked, you answered. Truthfully I'm not… surprised." I couldn't help the way I sounded just a little bit strained.

"You're not?" He asked dubiously, fingers curling into the towel slung around his waist. "But I thought…"

"Well you're right, aren't you? If there wasn't something there then there also wouldn't be an issue. We'd just… say no and continue with our lives like normal."

"Does that mean you…?"

"I don't know," I said miserably, laying back down and closing my eyes. "I mean, I know but haven't you stopped to think about any of this?"

"I haven't done anything else for days," he replied, and I heard him pull off the towel and continue changing.

"Not just think about it but… I don't know. What about everyone else?" I sighed. "We aren't the only ones this whole thing could affect. You saw what happened when we didn't talk for a _day_, Taichi. Everyone notices every little change between you and me."

"Aw, they're just vultures looking for a story, Yama," he assured me, tossing the damp towel onto my face. "You know they're waiting to see us have a fight."

Peeling off the towel, I glared at him. "Exactly. They're waiting for a story and whatever change we make will give them one. I don't want to be a story, Tai."

He shrugged, settling on the end of the bed. "So don't change anything."

"Tai…" I warned, but he raised a hand to stop me.

"I get what you're saying. No, I do," he affirmed when I rolled my eyes. "I don't want to be a story either. So let's not make one. There's no rule that says just because you like someone you _have_ to get together with them, right?"

"What are you saying?" I sat up, staring at him a little confusedly. Was this really Taichi? Because he was making a lot of sense; too much, almost.

"I'm saying I just want to know. If you want, I'll talk to Kari tomorrow night and tell her nothing's going on with us and that we're just friends. Once she knows, there's little chance that anything will get spread. You know how good she and Takeru are at cutting down rumors before they cause damage." He stared quietly at me after he stopped talking and I just stared back, disbelieving.

"Tai…" I shook my head, wondering why I suddenly found it a little harder to breathe. After _knowing_ that Kari was right, that we could be more than just friends, was he seriously suggesting that we pass the opportunity? "That would be lying. To everyone. To _ourselves_."

"Yeah, well, what else do you want me to do?" he asked heatedly. "We can't stay in limbo forever; people are already starting to notice. There's only two choices. Either we make it more or we don't, but either way you're going to have to make a decision."

I studied him for a second, mind stumbling over the suggestion. Could I tell him – and could I let him tell me – that we could be more than just friends and then decide against taking that road? Any way I thought about it, anything that happened, it would probably end up hurting someone. In a way I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to get there and I knew there was no way back.

"I'm going to go do my homework," I said finally, shoving aside the whole issue. I needed more time to think.

He gave me a disappointed look but he nodded anyhow. "Fine." When I reached the door he called my name and I paused, fingers wrapped around the knob. "This doesn't mean you're getting out of it, you know."

Staring down at my hand, I held in my sigh. "I know," I said quietly. "Just…"

"Time. I know. Do you… want me to call Kari?"

That was probably a good idea anyway. She would at least be able to put down any idea that something had happened; for better or for worse. "Yeah. It's easier to start a rumor later than to try and stop one now."

"Okay."

I didn't know what else to say to him, so I simply opened the door and left.

* * *

/**End Chapter Seventeen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	18. Chapter Eighteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen

* * *

**

I don't know what was wrong with me at that point. I mean, I just kept talking and saying things I didn't mean but I couldn't stop myself. It was like there was something inside me that just wanted everything to be all right so desperately that I'd do anything, _say_ anything to get there. I wanted it all to go back to being normal, everyday sort of stuff. I wanted a rewind button for my life.

Running a hand through my damp hair, I sighed. There was just no easy way through this. No matter what we said or did or wanted, things had changed and there was nothing either of us could do about it at that point. I know that Yamato didn't want it to change. He'd never really been fond of change. If it was left up to him everything in the world would stop at some happy point and remain the same forever. But I just couldn't do that. I'd never been able to properly explain to him how if he took that route and chose just one point where everything was okay, where things were happy… he could be missing out on something even happier.

I'd always found it so amusing, so… _Matt_ when ever he replied 'or missing out on something _worse_, Taichi.'

I knew he was afraid of something worse now and I knew there wasn't much I could do to ease that fear. I couldn't even make my own insecurities over it disappear; how was I supposed to handle his as well?

Then there was Kari. In a way I wanted to wish she'd never said anything but I know I can't do that. She was only saying what she saw and apparently she sees things pretty well because she was spot on about us. There's a part of me that says this would have happened sooner or later even if she'd never said a word. It had to; we were too close. Sure, it would have taken longer but how much more in the dark would we have been, not understanding what was happening? At least now it was all… or at least _mostly_ in the open…

I stretched out on Matt's bed, reaching for the cordless phone. I didn't dial it, though. For a few very long moments all I did was lay there, curled up on my side with the phone clutched in both hands, staring into space.

Reaching out to actually call Kari, I guess, triggered something inside me. Up until then I guess it didn't exactly feel… real. I mean, it was real. I knew that. It just didn't really feel that way. The best way to describe it is that I sort of felt like someone was going to walk in and say "fooled you!" at any moment. Like maybe I could wake up tomorrow and realize it was all some really strange, tripped out dream that I could forget.

But it wasn't and there I was with the phone in hand to call my sister so I could tell her all about my non-dream and how I needed her help now.

"Kari?"

"Tai?" She asked hopefully, but her voice dropped with concern a second later. "Is everything all right? You don't sound very good…"

"I'm… fine." I was fine, I guess. I was still in once piece and since Matt hadn't made a decision… well, I didn't have a reaction. "Look, I hate to ask but can you do me another favor?"

"Another one, brother? You're going to be in debt to me forever one of these days…" I smiled at the teasing note in her voice.

"This one isn't just for me. It's for Yamato, too. You'll probably need Takeru's help." I waited for a few seconds but I think she was waiting for me to continue, so I took a breath and plunged onward. "I need you to make sure no one's spreading rumors about either of us. Nothing's happened and nothing's going to happen, all right?"

"Is that the truth or is that what you want me to tell people?" She always had been pretty quick to pick up on the small things.

"Both, Kari." I tried not to sound too irritated, gentling my voice as I spoke. "It's just a big mess otherwise, right? Both of us have way too much going on already for any of that."

I heard her sigh and shift ears and I knew that she was probably taking a seat next to the phone. "I want the truth, Taichi. You guys like each other, don't you?"

Sometimes I wish she would leave well enough alone. I closed my eyes, wondering what I should tell her. I couldn't just answer for Matt, not when he hadn't given me an answer. It's not like I couldn't have made an accurate guess, I just… didn't want to assume anything. That would only make for an even worse ordeal.

"I… like him, I think. I don't know. He's still pretty confused and so am I. We'll get things sorted out soon, I hope." I smiled vaguely, hoping that some of it would transfer to my voice. "We're best friends; it's not like we give up easy on each other, right?"

She laughed and I relaxed a little bit. "Sure you are. Well, if you're really certain this is right then I'll call TK and tell him we'll be doing damage control." She made a small, almost humming noise and I stayed quiet, knowing she was thinking the situation over before she let me speak. "If we're going to do this, Tai, then you two are going to have to help out as well. Whatever you've got to do, get it resolved tonight so you can act normal tomorrow, got it?"

"Yes Ma'am," I mocked, catching myself before I saluted the phone. I dropped the mockery and spoke quietly. "Thanks a lot, sis. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Do you really want to know? I can tell you…" her tone implied that I really didn't want to know and that if I let her, she would tell me all sorts of unpleasant things so I simply thanked her again and said goodnight.

Of course, there was nothing to do in Matt's room once he'd left. I think it was a safe bet that if I walked out there it would be horrendously awkward. We'd both ended up sort of stranded in a place where there was nothing to do. My homework was in my book bag, which was currently in the front room with him and I could see his book bag in here with me. His guitar was still in the room as well and I'd done the dishes already so there wasn't much else for him to do. Except maybe think about the situation, which I suppose on reflection would have been a better idea for me to have let him do.

Did I? Nope.

No, my brilliant decision was to get up and try to talk to him again.

What a disaster.

* * *

/**End Chapter Eighteen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *


	19. Chapter Nineteen

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen

* * *

**

It wasn't like I didn't know what I wanted- not anymore. I would put money on the fact that Taichi had also figured out what he felt and where he stood, even if he hadn't actually come out and said it. I also knew that he had probably guessed how I felt, too. Words just weren't necessary to understand each other. Even so, even after sorting through our own feelings and each others' feelings, even after figuring out all of that we had only touched the tip of the iceberg. Have you ever felt like you were coming up to a giant waterfall you couldn't see and couldn't hear but you knew was there? That's kind of how it was. I felt like I knew that we'd jumped out of the pot and into the fire.

I mean… okay, it was one thing to figure out on your own that you liked someone and possibly to know that they liked you back. It was another thing entirely to consider the ramifications of such a realization. Tai was right- I did have two choices. I could choose to do something or I could choose to do nothing. Both choices were going to have an effect and what effect they had would depend entirely on how we went about going through with the choice.

On the one hand I could choose to do nothing. We could ignore everything that had happened, pretending that it didn't, and go on with our lives like we always had. It might be awkward at first and maybe we would stay together as friends and maybe we would drift apart but it would be a subtle change. Except… I knew that if I did that, I would not be able to forget. Now that I knew I was never going to be able to forget and the harder I tried the worse it would be. Just because I knew what was going on in my own head and had a good idea of what was happening in Taichi's, my behavior would change. Not on purpose, but I know that it would.

On the other hand, I could choose to do something. I could cut off everything with Taichi or I could… well, I mean... do more. I could _be_ more to him than just a friend, or at least let him be more to me. It seemed so strange to think like that- scary, almost. I liked where things were; or I had until Kari's little suggestion. We were best friends but we were more than just normal best friends. Everyone at school watched us and honestly I can't suppose I blame them. We were a rather animated pair and Taichi made sure that he was the center of attention. That wasn't a particularly hard feat, considering he was one of the better soccer players and he was best friends with the lead singer in one of our school's well known bands. I don't know how we didn't draw more attention than we got. Thinking about it… I'm actually not certain how Kari's realization wasn't brought up sooner by someone else.

None of that seemed to make it any easier to consider everything. It only made it worse. With all those people watching I knew that if I chose to act upon our realizations, everyone would know. If I stopped talking to Taichi and we didn't associate with one another, people were going to ask questions. Then again they would also take notice if we… if we got together, I guess.

And did I want that anyway?

"Argh…" I curled up on the couch, burying my face in my arms as I wrapped them around my knees.

Did it do any good at _all_ to worry about this? I mean… I knew what I wanted. I _thought_ I knew what I wanted but… Shouldn't I just say "screw you" to the people who would care if we got together?

I knew I couldn't.

Maybe if it was just me and Taichi this could affect, then I would be able to toss the opinions of others to the wind. If I knew that it would only be between us then I don't think I would care. I think Taichi was not thinking beyond himself right now. I don't think that he was considering what this might do to him with soccer. For a moment there, I'd forgotten that I was in a band and that if I got together with Taichi they could be hurt. I wanted to think that the people in my world wouldn't care who I got together with but I knew it wasn't that easy. They would care.

Even if it wasn't Taichi, they would care.

Tai wasn't thinking about that, so I had to think about it for both of us.

Our friends and peers weren't the only ones who would care. What about our parents and our siblings? I knew TK and Hikari would handle it decently; well, Hikari would and TK would follow her lead, especially if it involved me. Mom and dad… they might get used to the idea after a while but I know that it wouldn't happen without a fight. Probably not without many fights.

I relaxed into the couch and laid my head against the back. I should probably go and talk to Taichi soon, before he got bored of waiting and came out here or worse, fell asleep in my bed. I'd managed to get halfway out of my seat before I heard my bedroom door open. Staying where I was, I let myself sink back into the cushions and waited for Tai to appear.

He peeked tentatively around the corner, fingers curling over the edge as he looked at me. I waited a moment to see if he was going to come closer but he didn't seem particularly inclined. "I can see you, Tai."

"I know… I just… thought maybe we should switch places. My bag's out here and I saw yours in your room."

"Are you suggesting we do homework?" I cocked an eyebrow at him. If he was suggesting we do homework instead of talk, he must really be nervous.

"No, I just thought…" He sighed. "I don't know what I thought."

"Have a seat," I suggested, pulling my legs up under me to sit. I waited until he took a seat in the chair next to my couch and then looked him over carefully. "I'm still a little… confused," I admitted softly.

"Me too."

"Have you thought about… everything? There's so much to think about, Tai."

"I know." We stared silently at one another before Tai dropped his gaze to his hands, picking at his fingers. "I know you don't think that I'm… that I think about the right sort of things, but I do. I know you're worried about what will happen. I know… you're worried about other people as much as you are about us."

"Aren't you?" I asked, voice strained. If he knew, why wasn't he worried?

"A little," he digressed, risking a quick glance at me. "But you know… I don't even know what I'm supposed to be worried about anymore. You keep walking away without telling me what's really going on in your head and it's starting to scare me."

"Scare you…?"

We sat in silence for a little bit, the ticking clock across the room the only sound. Finally he shifted, shrugging. "I don't want to lose you, Yama. I've thought about this a million times since Saturday and that's the one thing I know I won't be able to handle. Anything else you want, I'll do. But stop walking away from me."

"What if that's what I want?" I challenged, though my voice was weaker than I'd hoped it would be.

"It's not."

"But what if it was?" I insisted, brow creasing seriously. "If I told you to, would you leave me alone?"

"No," he said quite simply, staring right at me. "I'm never going to leave you alone."

I recoiled internally at the way he inflected his words- different than mine. When I asked if he would leave me alone I was asking if he would let me be. When he said he would never leave me alone it was clear that he meant I would never be by myself. He meant that he wanted to be there with me, where ever "there" was.

"But I don't think you want me to leave you alone, Yama." He was right and he knew it. "And I don't want to _leave_ you alone. So now what?"

"You think I know?" I laughed, though it sounded a little hollow and tired. "It's not like we can go back to school as something completely different than we were when we left today. It's too fast."

"Is it too fast," he said quietly, "or do you think too many people would notice and object?"

My skin prickled at the gentle accusation. "This isn't about pride, Taichi." He dropped his gaze from mine to stare into his lap again. "It's not what other people think, it's what they're going to _do_. Takeru and Hikari could probably handle it all right but what about our other friends? What about my band mates? What about your soccer mates? Classmates? Teachers?" I pressed a palm against the bridge of my nose, willing myself to stay in control without snapping at him. "Of course they're going to think things but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone would just let something like…"

"I know," he replied, sighing. "But is it really okay to just be friends now? I can go to school tomorrow and pretend that nothing happened but I'm always going to know that something did."

"I just think we should give it a little more time before we do anything," I said, a little irritated that he was being so obstinate.

"If I let you have more time then you're never going to decide anything." I could hear him reacting to my change in tone but for some reason it hadn't registered that he was only reacting.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What do you think it means, Matt?" His voice was edged with defensiveness. "You can never make up your mind about anything on your own. If it was up to you, this would all hang in limbo forever."

"Is that what you think this is; what you think I'm doing?" I said incredulously. "That I'm just yanking your chain, leading you around and not making decisions because I don't want to?"

"Yeah, that's kind of how it seems," he retorted, glaring indignantly. "Unless you can prove me wrong, that's how it _is_."

I couldn't find properly angry words to respond to that and so I stood, chucking the pillow I'd been holding at his head. "Fine. Apparently you really don't understand and you can just go home. There doesn't seem to be a point in you staying if you don't think I can make a decision."

"I know better than to leave again," he said, placing the pillow gently on the couch beside him.

"Get out of my house," I ground out through clenched teeth.

"No."

We glared at each other for a long moment but I knew I was going to lose. I'd never been very good at staring contests, especially not when my anger had been aroused. I was too pissed that he thought that way that I couldn't stand there by him. He seemed to realize it in the same instance and I saw his eyes flicker to my hands to make sure I didn't have anything else to throw at him.

"I'm not going to hit you," I hissed angrily. "I'm going to bed. I expect you can let yourself out just fine. Good night." Taking a deep breath and giving myself a good, internal shake I headed for my bedroom, leaving Taichi stranded in my living room alone.

* * *

/**End Chapter Nineteen, Clandestine Revelations**/

* * *

Notes:

* * *

Some people have asked me about the title of this story. I thought I would make it perfectly clear that I think this title is the stupidest title I've ever made. I specifically created it with the thought that I would make it long and stupid. I searched a thesaurus online for the longest words I could find to mean "secret realization". Tada, your history lesson for the day.

* * *


	20. Chapter Twenty

* * *

Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty

* * *

**

He knew damn well I wasn't going to go home; although I suspect that he halfway hoped I would. Then he wouldn't have to deal with me until tomorrow. I wasn't going to give him that chance. I was here, he was here and more importantly no one else was here. Tomorrow there would be too many people around, too much going on with too many people to handle this whole big mess.

And apparently _people_ were the problem.

Sometimes I wanted to throttle Matt when he started up on the whole image issue. Not just about this but with anything. Everything. He cared so much about what people thought that I just knew it was going to give him ulcers or something. It made me really mad to see him get so bent out of shape about how things appeared.

A part of me understood and I think that's the only reason we didn't constantly fight about it. Bicker, yes, but not fight. That little voice inside me said that I wasn't in his situation. He _had_ to care about his image because it was his image that could make or break him. With me and soccer, image wasn't particularly big. Sure it was a part of it but it wasn't a very large part. If I did something stupid on my own time it didn't particularly affect my game. As long as I could still do well on the field I was good, but I knew it wasn't like that for Matt. He was only as good as the people who heard about him or listened to his music thought he was. His image could and did affect what people thought of his music.

Beyond that, I knew he was worried about his other friends. Honestly I probably should have been worried about my own friends but I was really past the point of caring. I was too that sort of mentally exhausted place where I could say "I'll beat up anyone that disagrees" and that seemed like it would make it okay.

God knows I was ready to beat up Yamato to see if it would make a difference.

I knew it wouldn't.

Sighing, I flopped back into the chair and closed my eyes. So what to do? I could go and apologize but somehow I thought that Matt really didn't want to see any more of me at the moment. My first clue being that I could hear him banging things around in his room. I knew I had to give him at least a little while to cool off before any attempt at anything was made. At least I would have to wait until he stopped throwing things or whatever he was doing in there.

There was not a snowflake's chance in hell that I was going to go home; I'd made that mistake once before and contrary to popular belief, I did try not to make the same mistake twice. If I left then I would already be breaking my word and leaving him alone and I refused to do that. For anything to work he had to trust me, even if it meant doing something he'd get mad about now.

I could hear the angry notes he picked on the strings of his guitar. As soon as I did, I began to count to ten and by the time I reached seven the notes had mellowed out and become gentler. Sometimes he was so predictable. He hated to think that he would hurt his guitar; I'd been attacked more than once for touching it or for picking at the strings in a 'damaging way'.

Eventually his random notes turned into rough scales which turned into bits of music which turned into actual songs. By that time I knew that he had calmed down enough that I could approach him without the fear that he would sock me for existing. I heaved myself to my feet and headed down the hallway, turning off lights as I went. Sometime while I'd been listening to him play I'd decided that I wasn't going to try to talk to him. I didn't need to talk to him right at that moment. We both needed sleep and a little time to think. I could handle that.

"I told you to go home," he said, scowling when he saw me standing idly in the doorway of his room.

"What? I can't hear you," I said quite loudly and I saw the way he fought to keep a responding grin in check. "I'm not leaving," I informed him quietly. "I know you told me to, Yama, but I don't think it would be a good idea."

"So now you're thinking," he said a little coldly as I moved past him into the room.

I shoved a quick retort to the back of my throat before I could add wood to the fire. Let Matt get angry. It wasn't going to change anything and he had to calm down sometime. It helped when I saw that he'd pulled the spare mattress out for me- that must have been what all the banging was about earlier. I took a seat on the edge and looked up at him. He was gathering together his guitar equipment so that he could carry it.

"Where are you going?" I hoped he wasn't going to go instead of trying to make me leave.

"I'm just moving some stuff." He gave me a raised eyebrow. "Unless you'd _like_ to sleep on these…"

I shook my head and he finished grabbing what he wanted. It occurred to me that I should offer help but I knew that he would give me that sort of horrified look if I did- you know, the one that said 'how dare you even suggest touching my guitar or anything remotely associated with it'. I watched him disappear to the front room and then flopped back, sprawling over the mattress.

A short time later Yamato returned, closing the door to his room with a gentle click. The silence was heavy as he slipped into bed and said goodnight in a strangely clipped manner. It was clear that he wanted no further discussion- though he didn't sound angry he wasn't pleased, either. I closed my eyes, feeling a sad sort of weight settle on my chest as I said goodnight as well. I guess a part of me had hoped that he would want to talk but if not… well, I guess there was tomorrow morning.

Falling asleep is never as easy as it should be when you have too much on your mind. All I found myself doing was thinking in circles, wondering what was going to happen and thinking about what already had. It was all so… insanely stupid. There were a million ways all of this could have gone and somehow we'd ended up on the most idiotic path. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. If I'd kept my mouth shut then we wouldn't be having a problem. Even telling him straight up or forcing him into a corner would have been a better idea than this. Anything seemed like it would be better than standing on this decision's edge wondering which way everything was going to fall in the morning.

"Yama?" I asked quietly, before I could stop myself. I didn't know quite what I thought I was going to say but I had to say something.

There was no answer, however. I closed my eyes again, clenching my jaw tight and cursing him for being able to fall asleep so easily. Rolling onto my side I took a deep breath, stretching out before settling down again. Fine. Whatever. I guess I needed sleep too and I knew very well that I shouldn't be starting anything new this late. I could talk to him in the morning.

And I swore that if he hadn't made a decision by then I was going to make one for us.

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/**End Chapter Twenty, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	21. Chapter Twenty One

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

**

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Chapter Twenty One **

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It's not like I hadn't heard him call my name because I had. It wasn't even that I didn't want to answer him I just… didn't. I didn't do it and I'm not sure why. There was a part of me that still wanted to talk. It told me that if I didn't talk now that I might _never_ talk to him. It said that there were things that needed to be done between us that shouldn't be put off until tomorrow. 

But nothing happened because I clamped my jaw shut and refused to reply.

I waited, listening to his breathing until it lengthened and evened out to prove that he was asleep before I allowed myself to relax. He could be so much trouble sometimes, trying to control everything and make things _happen_ when everything was fine. If he'd just kept his mouth shut…

That wouldn't have made a difference, I knew. If it wasn't Tai saying something then I am sure that someone else would have. Truthfully that would have been worse because if it was anyone else speaking of it to me I wouldn't have believed them. I would have brushed it off and thought they were crazy. I would have…

I'd have come to the exact some conclusions as I had now.

The difference being that I would never have said anything.

I'm not like Tai. I don't think like him, I don't act like him… We're just so wildly different most times. Of course if someone said something to him he would turn around and tell me. I couldn't do that. I would have let it fester and it would have started to bother me to the point where I would get upset without a recognizably valid reason. Where Tai reached out to people, I bottled things up and hid them.

It was stupid this time, though.

The whole thing was stupid.

I liked Tai. I wasn't so stupid that I would keep denying that much. I just didn't know what to do and it was driving me crazy. I knew what I would do in this sort of situation normally, had I happened to fall for a girl- I would talk to Tai about it. Sure I would get teased but he's my best friend. He'd have thought of something or at least talked me through it until I knew what I was going to do. He was my rock, my stable force, one of the only people I could go to with a problem and know that we could solve it instead of making it worse.

Where was that reassurance now?

Ugh. I shoved rational thought to the back of my mind, closing my eyes tightly as I flopped onto my belly and buried my head in my pillow. I had to stop this running around in circles. I had school tomorrow and I needed sleep. I needed time away from Tai to finish thinking out whatever it was that needed thinking out so that I could make a decision.

At some point during all of my thinking I know I must have fallen asleep because waking up was the next thing I remember. Awake but not quite aware, I felt a pleasant sort of warmth pressed against my back and became a little confused. Sleepily opening my eyes, I rolled halfway over and stared, trying to figure out what it was. When it finally did occur to me that Tai must have joined me, it was all I could do to groan and roll back over to try and sleep.

Before I could, however, it really occurred to me that _Tai_ was in my _bed_. I startled as if waking up from a dream where I'd been falling, flipping onto my side to look at him with wide eyes. What on earth had possessed him to climb up here after our night? Given that he was asleep and he was used to sleeping up here with me instead of on the spare mattress but…

Oh god, he was so close, too.

Too close…

I know that I shouldn't have but I just… it was one of those things that you do and you're not really doing it. The sort of thing you do and later when you think about it you feel like you watched yourself do it. I couldn't stop my hand, couldn't keep myself from smoothing the backs of my fingers over his cheek as softly as possible. It wasn't me that ran wide eyes over his face, tracing along his jaw and down his throat.

He shifted beneath my touch and I just stared as his eyes fluttered open and then squinted to look at me. "Matt?" He asked sleepily, rubbing his eye with a knuckle. "Oh crap, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get up here… I must have just crashed when I got back from the bathroom." He yawned, rocking a little bit to get to his feet. "I'll go."

"No, don't," I told him quietly, reaching out to keep him next to me. "Stay. It's fine."

"Are you sure?" He asked skeptically, lying back down beside me. I knew he was just as awake as I was now.

"Yeah. It's not like you've never slept in my bed before." It sounded strange to say those words now but it was nothing but truth. We'd slept together countless times since the digiworld. "If we're not… changing anything…"

I didn't know where exactly I thought I was going with that train of thought but Taichi must have seen an opening. "Is that what you've decided…?"

"Well, it makes the most sense. I guess." I couldn't have sounded more uncertain if I'd tried. Even Taichi, who looked half asleep, still picked up on it.

"You guess?" He sat up on one elbow, looking down at me with a crinkled nose. "Are you saying that because it's what you want or because it's what you think is best?"

"Seeing as I don't know what I want," I said testily, "I think it's what's best." I was definitely in need of some sleep. My temper wasn't great even when I was well rested; sleep-deprived I knew I could be rotten. Unfortunately it was too late for me to care if I acted nicely. I just wished Tai would drop it for a little bit.

He made a frustrated noise, grabbing the pillow out from underneath my head and hitting me with it. I made a futile attempt to catch it before it hit but lost my balance on the edge of the bed and had to sit up to keep from falling off completely. "Would you get a grip already? I don't want a fake decision, Yama." He glared stubbornly back at me.

"It's not a fake decision, Taichi," I said shortly, stealing the pillow back from him. "Just go to sleep."

I settled down beside him and watched as he closed his eyes. I closed mine as well, thinking that he might have actually given up this time. I could only be so lucky… I was just about asleep when he shifted beside me and I opened my eyes again.

"I know you aren't asleep," I pointed out, my voice more husky with sleep than I'd expected.

He snorted and opened one eye with obvious difficulty. "I'm sorry." His eye slipped closed again and he sighed. "I just can't stop thinking about it all. It's like… I know all this _stuff_ but I can't figure out anything worthwhile. I know what we should do and I know what I want to do. I know-"

Apparently Tai knew quite a few things because he didn't stop talking. After years and years of knowing Tai, _I_ knew how long he could ramble. I also knew that telling him to stop would do no good what-so-ever. If I let him keep going I would hear the same circles I'd been running in all night. I would hear the things I was thinking about and the things I didn't want to think about anymore.

I would hear the things I was afraid of…

Worse… I would hear the things I wanted.

I'm not entirely sure what came over me as I thought of that. Why? Why would I take his words so badly? Taichi was only saying the things that were already on my mind. He was talking about school and friends and relationships and I think he was mostly asleep by that time so all his speech was leaning toward delirious but at least he knew what he wanted.

I guess I just finally realized that I needed to know what I wanted, too.

In that moment I began to understand how Tai had felt just after bringing all of this up the first time. I knew the sort of things he'd been thinking right before he decided to kiss me. I saw how much clearer things would be if I could just have or do something tangible. My stomach tied in a knot at the thought, my heartbeat racing past my ears. I knew what to do. I felt that tiny prickle of fear under my skin as I leaned forward and before I could stop myself, I was kissing him.

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/**End Chapter Twenty One, Clandestine Revelations**/

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	22. Chapter Twenty Two

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Author: Sparkle Itamashii 

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

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**Chapter Twenty Two

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**

All I remember is that one second I was slurring my words as I tried to stay conscious and the next I was kissing (or being kissed by, I suppose was the case) Matt. And you know, I just… I sat there - eyes wide, lips warm, totally confused - and I let him. I let him because I didn't know what else to do.

Yes, that was exactly what I wanted; him to kiss me. But there was still a part of me that told me this wasn't how this was supposed to happen. The last thing I wanted to think about was stopping, but did I want to kiss him like this? In the middle of the night, half asleep, probably not really knowing what he was doing…?

I could feel and hear and taste him breathing so close and yet-

"I can't," I whispered, barely a breath as I pulled back. "I can't do this, Matt…"

I knew I couldn't let him.

We stared silently for a moment before he started, as if he'd just figured out what happened. "What?"

"I said I can't do this," I repeated, throat tight. God it felt rotten to say those words. "Not with… not…" Not like this, I wanted to say. "I can't…"

Not unless you mean it, Matt.

He reached up, brushing the backs of his fingers over my cheek with a confused look. "Tai…?"

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and then opened them. He looked right back at me, eyes wide and clear. He was just as awake as I was now and he knew exactly what he was doing. "Why did you do that?"

I waited for him to say 'I don't know,' but he didn't.

"Kari was right," he said, eyes dropping as he rested his forehead against mine. "So were you."

"About?" It seemed like a stupid question as soon as it was out of my mouth; I mean, I knew what about just… not exactly and didn't want to make any stupid assumptions. It was so rare to get Matt talking about anything important.

"You told me that if I didn't like you, then there wouldn't be a debate. I got mad about it even though I knew you were right. Maybe I got mad _because_ you were right." His nose touched mine for a second as he shifted, hand slipping down to the crook of my neck. "We've been round in so many circles trying to figure out if we should be more than friends that we couldn't even see we already were. We already are."

Startled, I pulled back and his gaze shot up, eyes locking with mine. "We are?"

He smiled, rolling his eyes a little bit as though I were being completely thick. "Look at us, Tai. Really look. How many friends act like we do around each other?"

"Not many, I suppose." It was strange to finally hear him voice the things I'd been thinking about when all of this started. "Are you really okay with changing things?" I asked hesitantly.

"I think so. Somehow I don't think the change from 'what is' to 'what if' will be that big for us."

"A lot of people are going to talk," I said carefully, repeating his earlier worries. "You said yourself that they love rumors."

He shifted a little closer with a faint smirk. "Then let's give them something to talk about."

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/**End Chapter Twenty Two, Clandestine Revelations**/

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/**End Clandestine Revelations**/

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Notes:

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This story is FINISHED. There is no more after this chapter, nor will there ever be more.

I would like to hereby dedicate this entire fic to my beta reader and good friend, Maz. Her love for digimon and for Taito in particular runs deep and it's her happy raving about them that convinced me to start writing this for her when I don't even watch the show...

Happy Birthday lovely!

She writes some fantastic digimon, gundam wing, animorphs, and D&D fanfiction which I highly suggest you all go and read right now. **Her pen name is Mazmaraz**.

Go visit her page. GO.

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